1) Parks and Recreation. Damn. Why did it take me so long to get into this show? There is a distinct possibility that I am the female version of Ben.


2) I am really good at my job. I am. And, for the most part, I feel called to do it. But I'm really fucking tired of a few things. First, I'm tired of having 300 bosses. Fuck off, people. If you don't like me or don't like my style, fine. But unless you actually know what you're talking about or have something constructive to say, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME DO MY DAMN JOB.


Second, I'm REALLY fucking tired of the expectation that everything be exactly the way it was 10-15 years ago. It's not going to be. I am not the person who had my job 15 years ago, and the church is not the same place it was 15 years ago. The demographics are very different. Many of the people are the same, but they're not in the same places in their lives. Many people aren't around any more. There are many new people who weren't there 15 years ago. These are not good things or bad things. These are LIFE things. Churches evolve and change. And if they don't, that IS A BAD THING.

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"Why don't you get the to play in worship anymore?" Well, because half of them have been dead for at least ten years, and the other half haven't been members of the church for at least five. "You need to get so-and-so in to sing/play a solo!" Well, no. Because So-and-so isn't 14 anymore. So-and-so is in college, out of state, and has no interest in singing a solo in her home church while she is home for the summer because she has a summer job and just wants to have fun when she isn't working. Or, because So-and-so has three kids now and hasn't had time to practice the violin in seven years and doesn't feel comfortable playing in front of people. And how many times do I have to have these same stupid conversations? I lost track about ten months ago when I hit somewhere around 500. I wish that were an exaggeration.

Finally, a point that is very much related to the above, but still deserving of its own paragraph, don't give me a project with a very very vague brief and then, after I have worked very hard to start planning it and get all these people on board, tell me it sucks because it's not EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE LAST TIME THIS WAS ATTEMPTED, WHICH WAS ABOUT SEVEN YEARS AGO. For one thing, I have no records of the previous events. Yes, I'm sure they exist. But unless you can give me a fucking date, it's pretty much impossible to find the old order of worship for that Sunday. For another thing, the brief I got was this: "We used to always have these Music Sundays! They were all music! All the music groups in the church did something!" So, since I couldn't find an order of worship from one of these mythical beasts, I looked online and found Music Sundays from other churches. I looked to see what others had done. I took our current order of worship and worked very hard and came up with something based on what other churches had done that still looked like a worship service, but involved all of the music groups in the church and the response I got was that what I came up with was terrible because it's not how they used to do it. And a bunch of shit about how I need to be showcasing the music ministry and this is my baby and IF IT'S MY FUCKING BABY THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME DO IT THE WAY I WANT TO!!! They basically just want a concert. I don't want to give a concert during worship. There is a difference between a concert and a worship service, and I think it's extremely important to not let that line get too blurry. If they want a damn concert, that's fine, I can give them a stupid concert. But if that's what they wanted, that's what they should have asked for, not a worship service with a music focus. I'm sure I ruffled some feathers and I'm sure I pissed some people off, and I'm really having a hard time being sorry about that right now.

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3) I have come to the realization that, as much as he confuses me, I'm even more confusing. In the miraculous event that Schroeder has any interest in me at all (and today I'm feeling pretty low, so my current estimation of his non-professional interest in me is -500%), the signals I am sending out are highly confusing at best, and a complete shut-down at worst. Because I'm completely clueless and useless at this stuff. I'm pretty sure this is what he's thinking:

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3 addendum) And I will never ever have sex again because I don't know how to notice a human adult person has interest in me, nor do I know how to show my interest. If I can't do it under normal circumstances, I certainly can't do it and remain professional at the same time. Yes, other fish, blah, blah, blah. Fuck those other fish. Those other fish don't play the piano like he does.

4) I did some Facebook stalking of Asshole the other night because I'm basically the WORST. And I can't find his profile anywhere, which I guess means that he no longer has one, but since I used to get an error message when I tried to look him up but people I knew could still find him, I'm guessing this just means he changed his profile name to something not his name. Whatever. So I looked at the profile of the to whom he had written the love poems and the pornographic stories, and where she used to have all kinds of posts that he had responses all over, and he had all kinds of posts all over her wall, now there is NOTHING. She has NO POSTS in 2012 or 1213. NONE. Hmmmm. Now, gee, why on earth would she delete two years of posts? That's odd.

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5) I would like to post a picture so that I can get a some reassurance that I'm not, in fact, a hideous troll (selfie as cry for help!), but I can't find one that doesn't make me look like a hideous troll, so never mind.

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I know, Ellen. I know. I'm pathetic.