Sunday is the day that my idiot brother will be released from jail. He has been there since May. It was right after my grandmother died suddenly (who he was very close with) that he went on bender after bender, broke many laws and ended up arrested in a Wal Mart parking lot after a brief chase with police. All of which happened in front of my poor mother (long story) who thought he would be shot dead right there for running from police.

I love my brother very much despite having just called him an idiot... but he fucking is. He is severely mentally ill on top of many other issues. Not even sure about a diagnosis but he says it is bi polar (with psychosis?) and schizophrenia. I remember someone here telling me that those two don't occur simultaneously very often but that is what he tells me/ us he has. He has been medicated while in jail and seems okay some of the time based on his letters. But little remorse and zero responsibility or accountability for his fuck ups.

I have that app on my phone, Timehop. In the past few months I see the things I posted about on social media a year or so ago and realize how truly messed up and stressful my life was when he was manic. The day he stole a work vehicle, didn't show up to work, took a bunch of pills (uppers?) and drove out of state. He uploaded videos to Facebook of himself talking to me, behind the wheel, high as a kite, slurring his words saying how beautiful it was (wherever he was, we didn't know), and was telling me stories from when we were kids. Then he uploaded one saying goodbye to me. Telling me he loved me. I was absolutely hysterical and could cry now remembering how terrifying it was imagining his car flying over a cliff somewhere and there was nothing I could do but refresh my Facebook feed. I ended up calling the police, talking with a detective and had them ping his cell phone. He was 3 states away by the time the police figured out where he was. After the drugs wore off and he ran out of money he finally called me "for help". Funny how that works. I wired him money and he got a hotel to sleep it off.

I know its important to let someone "hit their own rock bottom". Yet when you are in a situation where someone is threatening suicide its like there is a gun to your fucking head too. If I do nothing to help and he dies ... its my fault. No matter what anyone says. Its just how it feels. Everyone in my family has these deep scars from being close or trying to help my brother. And like me, I'm sure we are all afraid of him being released.

I'm scared for my Dad who will put him up until he can get on his feet and the fights they'll likely have when my Dad doesn't enable or coddle him. My mother who is already a damn basket case from being emotionally manipulated by him for years now. Sometimes I don't even recognize her anymore. She is like a different person when he is around and I resent the shit out her for it. Like as an adult I can see she is deeply troubled and has some of her own issues but as her daughter I wish she was stronger and could see through his lies. I'm pregnant and my life is going pretty damn good at the moment. I have these nightmares that my mom and I are hanging out with the baby and my brother calls, he is suicidal and my mom starts screaming hysterically telling him to put down the gun.

Hopefully this stress is all for nothing and this longer stretch of time will really have turned him around. I can't decide if I should try to have a talk with him when he gets out. We don't have serious talks... I leave that up to my parents and his therapist (and now his probation officer) because I know it'll only lead to a fight. I just don't have the energy to do it.