Hey everyone. What’re you up to on this blustery cold Sunday morning?
I’m making this a mental health-centric day. Yesterday’s news about Hawaii really fucked me up, and then I fell down an even darker rabbit hole after reading about sexual assault allegations against one of my favorite actors (as I said yesterday, kill your idols). So, today I’m setting boundaries with myself on checking the news or getting tied up in thinkpieces. My apartment is still pretty messy, so I’m going to focus on tidying up and getting ready for the work week. I have a bunch of laundry to do, so I am going to start in on that after I finish my coffee and oatmeal.
Now, if I may vent a bit...I’m starting to feel extremely hesitant about wanting to date again. I’ve only ever been with men romantically/sexually and it’s like...every single article that comes out about sexual assault, or men generally acting like entitled monsters either in their professional dealings with women or in intimate relationships, just pushes me back further behind my walls. I was talking to a coworker about various people I dated in my 20s (kind of a retrospective look back, as I’m turning 30 in four weeks) and I just realized I had all of these upsetting, frustrating, hurtful experiences in my past with dudes. Part of it had to do with where I was through a lot of my 20s, and struggling with super low self esteem and trusting myself, which I think attracted a lot of crappy, abusive people to me. But, looking at where I’ve been somewhat solidified why I’ve been super hesitant to get into anything with anyone for the past two years.
I just want my 30s to be different, in so many ways really, but especially in terms of relationships. I want to believe I will meet someone kind and gentle who will listen and give a shit if or when I decide to open up about my past, and will believe me and honor my wishes when I say that intimacy is going to take some time for me. Also, that sex is something I’m going to have to build up to slowly as I relearn to trust. I feel like so many people I’ve met and expressed that to have taken it as some kind of a hard-to-get game, and then it turns into feeling chased around and pressured into doing physical things after I’ve explicitly stated my needs and boundaries. And honestly, maybe I will stay single for quite some time as I continue to unwind this, but it would be nice to meet somebody to practice with. I would like to go on some low pressure dates without the spectre of casual sex expectations haunting it. If I had male friends, maybe that would be easier and more accessible, but I don’t.
Anyway. I have already talked to my therapist about wanting to work on this part of my life going forward into this year. It’s clear to me that there’s still some trauma there I need to heal.
Thanks for listening/reading. Feel free to chat about your own relationship thoughts, whatever’s on your mind, or your sunday vagenda!