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Illustration for article titled Survey for my next relationship

I have no intentions of leaving my husband, but I do accept that he could get hit by a dump truck. I've decided to create a questionnaire for my next intended:

  1. Do you have any problems with doing the dishes?
  2. No, really, don't just say "No." Will you do the dishes on a daily basis?
  3. Do not fucking lie to me about this. It is important. If I had the psychic ability to kill people, it would probably be directed solely about people who say they'll do the dishes, and then don't. Will you do the dishes?
  4. Are you willing to bet that I don't have the ability to kill people with my brain?
  5. Is it possible for you to do the dishes without whining about what a mess I made while making dinner?
  6. Do you think that the kitchen should be at a certain cleanliness level before you have to do the dishes?
  7. Do you think that a dirty kitchen is an excuse to not do the dishes?
  8. Do you understand that "doing the dishes" implies that there will likely be some kitchen cleaning included?
  9. Will you expect a ticker tape parade every time you do the dishes?
  10. Will you try to trade dishes for one of my light tasks?
  11. Will you try to trade dishes for one of my heavy, annoying tasks, and then never do it?
  12. Will you just. Do. The fucking. Dishes?

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