Dear LaComtesse,

I would like to congratulate you on your noble effort to run markedly farther than you have since attempting this new activity earlier this week. To reward you, I have placed you on a path so muddy, rocky, slippery, and steep that there is no safe way for you to possibly run, forcing you to slow your pace to a very careful tiptoe. No, don’t cry. It’s funny because it’s a metaphor for your athletic life.

Fuck you,

The Universe

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(Also.

Dear Groupthink,

If anyone has a good cheap recommendation for ear buds that won’t fall out and also one of those armband things to hold my phone while running I’d appreciate it.

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Thanks,

LaComtesse)