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Taking The Next Steps

As far as where I'm going to live. I'm feeling overwhelmed, but I'm trying my best to keep forging ahead.

So, as I posted yesterday, my aunt that I've been staying with for two months had a drug and alcohol fueled fit at me yesterday within earshot of some family members who were visiting. I'm currently staying with a friend who lives about 20 minutes away.


Over the past 24 hours I've gone back and forth within my mind as far as what I'll say to my aunt when I inevitably have to return to the house to collect my stuff. My instincts keep telling me that attempting a heart to heart conversation with her, or trying to use logic to explain my position, as far as why ransacking the room I was staying in because you forgot to tell me you needed to use it was not okay, (she went into my bathroom, spilled my makeup case over upside down inside of my laundry basket like it had been thrown there, shoved glass bottles of perfume and lotions into random drawers upside down on top of clothing so they spilled and stained, put my toothbrush into a dirty corner under the sink) is going to...go absolutely no where. I really do not believe there is any point in trying to spell this out for her. When you're fifty plus years old and throwing name calling temper tantrums and pouting every time you don't get all of the attention, I don't feel like trying to have a calm conversation about appropriate boundaries is really worth the time, energy, or heartache. Especially given some of her comments to me over the past few weeks, referencing my weight/appearance, sex life, "oversensitivity" etc, I don't think any discussion about what is and isn't appropriate behavior is going to penetrate at all.

I just don't want to do it. Honestly, after this, I'm so finished. I've only known her for a few years now, and this incident killed any desire in me to have a relationship. I appreciated having a place to go rent free while I got settled back into college, but she has expected to cook for her, clean her messes, and take care of her emotionally, like a parent.

I don't want this to be the case. I had no contact with my dad's family until I was an adult and reached out myself. I ached so badly to have a rewarding, connected relationship with ANYONE I was blood related to, tbh. And now this. But, I really think she is sick, mentally. She tears through a bottle of wine daily and smokes pot at least once a day, and I recently found out she's also supplementing this with xanax, valium, and vicodin. The drinking and the weed is execessive, and I would almost expect it from someone half her age, but the pills scare the absolute shit out of me. My father died 20 years ago from a drug overdose.

She admitted to me last week that she's passively suicidal (not outright in those words, but basically "I don't want to live to be old, and I have planned it out that way" by taking poor care of herself.)


Anyway. It sucks, so bad, but I don't think I'm left with any other option. My gut keeps telling me to get the fuck out of there as soon as I can. As far as my choices from here, none of it is really great, but at least I have places to go until I get on my feet. Erin, a friend of mine, offered me a place to stay and keep my things until I decide upon more permanent arrangements, but she lives an hour's drive away from my college. It would be a rough commute 5 days a week, but when I weigh the stress of a long drive against the stress of not knowing if the person I live with is going to wake up, or potentially burn the house down by leaving an appliance on, it seems obvious that staying with my friend is a better choice.

My friend Lena who I've been staying with this weekend lives about 20 minutes from my campus, and said I could crash with her a few night a week. She just can't offer me more because this house belongs to her parents, who already have both of their adult kids and a renter living here.


The good thing is, I only have 7 or 8 weeks left in the semester, and I'm not working, which makes it easier if I do end up staying with Erin and have to drive far. My bills are low, and my grandfather has been kind enough to help me a little bit in just paying for essentials. My plan is to look for part time work, and hopefully be able to start after finals are over. From there, if I can work 20 hours a week, and still receive minor help from my grandfather, I may be able to make it living alone in an apartment while still taking classes. I will just have to take maybe 9 or 10 hours a semester instead of 14 or 15 like I'd planned. Seems worth it for my degree to take longer though if I have a stable place to rest my head.

Also, I sold my bed before I moved out here, so...yeah. Guess that's what I'll save up for first.


Thanks for everyone's support. Reading your supportive comments and seeing happy gifs yesterday really helped me make it through the evening, along with my IRL friends who have been with me.

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