I have been watching a lot of CW shows lately (don't judge you guys, January is the worst) and I have come to the conclusion that I completely fucked up my teenage years. Like, literally, I did them completely all wrong. I have learned a lot now about how to be a teenager from the CW an
Here is a short list of all of the things I did wrong in my teen years
Seriously, what was I thinking? No teenager needs more than one living parent; having two really impacts your ability to really tap into your inner angst and your general freedom to just run the fuck around and do whatever you want. In addition, if both of your parents are alive you rarely need to have a drastic move or life change that brings a dark secret to your life. I mean, if I had been a real overachiever I would have obviously forgone both parents and been with some sort of negligent grandmother or aunt as my guardian, but at the very least, teen Violet was very handicapped by having two, completely alive parents.
If there is one thing that I have learned from the CW, it is that teenagers bang all the time and have really hot amazing sex, ideally with someone inappropriate. They all also have really nice adult lingerie matching bra and panty sets. I regret to inform you all that I did not have sex as a teenager, and many times I wore extra large childrens day of the week underwear. I am also reasonably sure that it would have consisted of a lot more fumbling if I had. By my calculations, I should have actually been spending approximately 30-45% of my time simply banging other very attractive teenagers. That leaves about 5% of my time for homework, 10% for going to school 8 hours a day, 20% of my time for solving mysteries/looking angstily into the distance/exploring my supernatural power/crying and 40% of my time for going to parties, and speaking of...
What the hell, guys? This one seems only at least partially my fault, because my town did not have a single formal event - no Founder's Day parties, no masquerade balls, no casino nights, no elaborate themed parties of ANY kind. Sure, we had prom and homecoming, but two lavish formal parties is HARDLY enough. Proper teenagers should have some sort of special event to prepare for and get dressed up for and have super drama at at least every few weeks.
There were also no keggers in my town. I repeat - not a single one of my friends had a huge house with lax parents where they would often throw out of control keggers. There should have been one of these at LEAST every week. I was very underprivileged, guys.
My friends were only moderately attractive. A few were even... fat. None had significant drinking or emotional issues. None of us ever slept with each other's boyfriends. Not a single one of my friends ever had secret dreams of singing and surprised us all one day by getting up on stage and having a gorgeous voice and launching their own singing career. None of them were secretly out to get me or had parents who had feuds with my parents. None of them had cool cars.
NOT A SINGLE FUCKING ONE WAS EVEN SUPERNATURAL. I really fucked this one up bad guys. All of my friends were 100% human. Not a witch, demon, psychic, possessed girl, vampire, werewolf, vampire hunter, nothing among them. What the hell was I thinking? I was never accidentally roped into a dangerous situation and almost murdered by one of them, not once in high school.
Sigh. If only I could go back and do it all over again, you guys. I would do it right this time.