A text message conversation between me, the Satan-appointed demon-assisting apostate, and my boyfriend, the pagan heathen goat.
(This conversation took place after I listened to "Beware of Human Apostates", a speech given at a Jehovah's Witnesses convention in November 2013 in which the speaker referred to apostates as "mentally diseased" demonic helpers in Satan's kitchen. I think if I'm doing my normal kitchen to Satan's kitchen math/ranking correctly, I'm basically a prep cook. Except, like, hella evil.)
Me: "Apostates are mentally diseased humans who help the demons in Satan's kitchen lol."
Him: "I'm glad the JWs think that of my kind. I'd hate for them to approve."
Me: "They aren't talking about you, though. You have to renounce a former faith to qualify as an apostate. You're just a worldly heathen pagan."
Him: "Aw, damn! They still hate me though, right? And I won't be saved and have to spend eternity with them?"
Me: "I'm sure they would hate you, yes. And you're a goat so you'll die at Armageddon. They might try to resurrect you, though. Sorry."
Him: "I'm a goat?"
Me: "Well yeah. Because you aren't a sheep."
Him: "FUCK YEAH!"
As prep cook for Satan's kitchen, I would like to thank you all for coming out tonight. The main course is seared faithful mutton. Can you sear mutton? I dunno. DGAF, either! THIS IS SATAN'S KITCHEN, AFTER ALL.