Those of you who read the Hairpin will remember Mallory Ortberg's Texts from... series, if you haven't there's Texts from Don Quixote, Texts from Pride and Prejudice, and my favorite: Texts from Little Women.

Now she's put a new one up for the Toast! GO READ IT.

I couldn’t help but notice
that the gate at the top of the stairs was ajar
which suggests to me
that a certain someone
has been going downstairs
can you think of who that might be?
Oh dear
Oh John, I’m sorry
I called for you but you weren’t at home
no one was home
and I was so thirsty
you know that going downstairs makes you hysterical
I know
It’s called a rest cure, darling
Not a going downstairs cure
How right you are
you’d better stay in bed this time
or someone’s going to lose her sitting up in bed privileges
I’m sorry
little goose