Thank you for all the kind words yesterday. I finally read each and every reply and it really means a lot. I'm much more coherent today but I'm mostly feeling numb. I'm angry and feeling incredibly guilty.

I'm angry and I really am not sure why.

The vet and everyone there really helped. She sat and talked to us about options and the possibility of a blood transfusion and going in and trying to remove it. We talked it through before she even came back with the estimate and decided not put a 13 year old cat through a blood transfusion that his body might reject and a procedure that would cause more pain and trauma and most likely won't do anything and if he went I wanted him as comfortable as possible. The vet kindly affirmed that we were making a good decision especially with the condition of his kidneys, his age, and the quality of his life even if he survived which was unlikely. We made him as comfortable as possible with a sedative before the procedure and I was able to hold him the whole time.

I'm still feeling incredibly guilty about our decision and the fact that this was something that could have been prevented. My husband is having a really hard time with this in particular. When we got home last night he combed the house for the cause but we still can't figure out what it could have been. This is an indoor cat that doesn't even try to get out. When we do laundry in the basement and the backdoor of our unit is open he sits and waits for us on the landing. This is the cat that doesn't even want human food or try to eat human food.

I was even wondering if their cat food had been contaminated like all the stories about dog food contamination but that couldn't be it because any cat food he ate the two other cats have eaten.

On the positive side I'm so happy that I was with him. If I hadn't been in therapy for my phobia I don't think there was any way I could have been there.