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Offbeat Bride posted this article to their Facebook, and I just loved it. I thought some people here might appreciate it, too, so without further ado, here is "The Asexual Bride: When love and marriage don't really involve sex".



We've had to make some compromises when it comes to sex and have finally settled into an arrangement that works for the both of us. But the question is continually posed, "If you don't like sex, why marry the guy? (And why would he want to marry you?)"

The latter is "Because he loves me and has loved me loooong before we ever "inserted tab A into slot B." The former was on me to come to terms with.

Of course, like most people, I had assumed that marriage = sex. Exclusive sex. And kids. Usually married hetero couples breed (it's a thing). But I didn't want either, so where did that leave things?

I think something that started me thinking that maybe marriage wasn't such a bad thing was looking at his mother's relationship with her second husband.

My future mother-in-law didn't need to get married again, but as she got older she realized she desired someone to "build mutual memories with," a companion rather than a live-in f@$%-buddy. I've always found their relationship interesting since they're rarely in the same room together, they don't often eat at the same time, they're not all over each other; they're individuals who share their individuality with each other. I liked that.

So we decided to really buckle down and figure out what marriage would mean for US, rather than what it meant to the rest of the world.

We sat down and talked about what would and wouldn't change if we got married, and finally last June I asked him if he wanted to marry me.


This is a beautiful concept, for people who are asexual or sexual. I find it beautiful because, as a sexual person with (I guess) a low-ish sex drive*, it makes me sad that all of my relationships are made or broken by sex or lack thereof. Advice columns tell you that if your sex drives don't match up, it just isn't going to work. The common idea is that a relationship is doomed if your sex patterns don't work out together.

The idea that sex doesn't have to be the core of your relationship is such an encouraging one. I can't even imagine how hard it must be for asexual people to find life partners in a world so saturated in sex and the idea that love can't exist without frequent sex. I am so happy for the author here that she has found such a happy relationship! It's also sad that so many people feel the need to congratulate a man who would marry an asexual woman, but I bet no one on GT is overly surprised by that.


[*I don't think I actually have a low sex drive, I just have a low desire for unsatisfying sex, which gets so conflated for women, but that can be a conversation for another day.]

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