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The Ballad of Crappy Tooth

Friends, this is Crappy Tooth.

Crappy Tooth, like the rest of her sisters, was confined to braces between the ages of 8 and 12. Once they were free of their metal bondage, the teeth shuddered at the memory of their shackles and said "We'll behave!"


"Is she going to wear her retainer?" asked Crappy Tooth, and I have to imagine that if she had arms she'd have been crossing them.

The other teeth looked at one another, some nervously some quizzically.

"Well," a molar began timidly, "She... She hasn't for a while..."

"Then FUCK HER!" screamed Crappy Tooth, and she began her retreat away from her sisters to get closer to her best friend Tongue. In less than 4 years, she had reached her current position.

When I was 17 and self conscious about Crappy Tooth, I asked Dr. Carlone, a lovely dentist, if he thought he could adjust my now impossible to put in place) retainer. He shrugged, "I could do that... Or I could just bond the tooth so that it looks straight."

Did someone say easy out?! Done!

More than 10 years went by. High school, college, wedding, first job. Crappy Tooth, hidden like the Man in the Iron Mask, missed all of it.


One thing she apparently decided she could not miss, however, was a piece of toast right before my 28th birthday. Her sheer malice and desire to get some of that toast, apparently, gave her the power to finally burst free from her prison. "At laaaaaaaast!" she cackled. "I am free! Get ready to feel self conscious, bitch!"

"Don't panic," I thought. "Dr. Farkas, my new fancy New York dentist can fix this."


Dr. Farkas, a lovely dentist, could not. He tried. I paid for his attempt, but Crappy Tooth had grown too strong... Plus I didn't want to pay 4 figures for a new bonding or veneer.

2.5 years passed, and I did not visit a dentist... Shut up, I know. I would spend the next two years at the mercy of Crappy Tooth. In certain photos, it looks like I am missing a tooth completely. In all my best photos of this time, my head is tilted to one side. So for 2.5 years, resigned to the fact that I didn't have the money to fix this minor cosmetic concern (and I know it is very minor and very unimportant... But I still didn't like it).


But today I went to the dentist. A new one through my (relatively) new job's dental insurance.

Before commencing what would prove to be a bloodbath of a cleaning (2.5 years, guys—fortunately, Dr. Scwartz is another lovely dentist and it didn't hurt... It just bled... A lot), I asked about Crappy Tooth.


"I guess insurance wouldn't cover it, huh?" I asked glumly.

"Oh no, they'll cover almost all of it. All of it if you get it bonded, most of it if you get a veneer, which I'd recommend."


This was me:


This was Crappy Tooth:


I am getting a mold of my tooth in 3 weeks. After that a fancy veneer. It won't be cheap, but it will be affordable. It will be worth every penny to conquer Crappy Tooth.

You guys: I know this is ultimately completely unimportant and not a big deal—it's not even a super crooked tooth—but I will be so pumped to get this tooth to look the way I want it to look!

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