Pretty much everything about my current roommates has been terrible. But, in retrospect, it's also pretty damn hilarious. So I decided, in the spirit of the UHG and the great enjoyment I got from reading about her escapades, that I would share with you, dear readers, some the fucking bullshit I have had to endure for the last year and a half.

- I let Roommate A live with me for free for a couple months when she was getting on her feet, because she had moved here from Michigan. She was an old high school friend. She wanted her boyfriend to move in with us, so I agreed. I kept the extra room open for 3 months and GreenHunk and I split the rent we would have gotten from another roommate. When the boyfriend moved in (we'll call him Roommate B), he assumed he would also get a couple months' free rent. I told him no dice, I needed the money. He was late on rent the first two months in a row.

- Right after I told him I actually needed the rent money, he dropped a comment about how his mom told him not to let himself get taken advantage of by "those white people." (He's Native American - but I'm also part Native American, and if they really mistrusted me that much why would they want to live with me?) It was definitely a guilt trip for asking for the rent money.

- They did manage to guilt me into making their rent $100 a month less than I originally asked for (and I'm asking less per room than anywhere I've seen in this town).

- He for some reason caught on to the fact that I (used to be, less so now) self-conscious about having small breasts and proceeded to make fun of me for it for about a month.

- They decided that me telling them they could use my computer one time meant that they could use it constantly to do their homework on - and then they DELETED something on it that I wanted while I was out of town for the weekend.

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- She actually told me to my face once that I have "too many feelings" and I repeated myself too much and she didn't care about them and they were stupid, and I cared about stupid things.

- She repeatedly minimized my experience of being abused and told me I should "just get over it."

- She likes to communicate by leaving passive-aggressive notes around the house.

- She decided we didn't wash our towels "the right way" (because apparently they always have to be washed in a separate load) and took over washing them her way for the whole time she's been here. She uses bleach on everything, so she ruined a lot of my towels with bleach spots.

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- She is obsessed with things "smelling bad" and has told me the house smells "disgusting" numerous times. She sprays Febreze everywhere, even though I've been pretty clear that I hate chemical sprays and really don't want them in my house.

- She's thrown away stuff of mine (the broom, the cat food dishes) without asking me.

- For some reason she hates my kitchen rug, and likes to take it out of the dryer and hide it in the garage.

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- She's been generally very critical of how I keep my house. At the same time, though, her boyfriend takes dishes OUT of the sink and puts them onto the counter instead of washing them, leaving giant wet spots and rust stains on the (white) counter. They've also gone literally months without doing any of the dishes, and he likes to cook and leave food spattered all over the counter and stove. I think they don't clean up after themselves as a passive-aggressive punishment for the way I clean (apparently not with enough bleach).

- She decided she wanted to keep their food separate from ours, so she took an entire cupboard in my (pretty small) kitchen and moved my stuff out of it without asking.

- They like to take 40 minute showers, leave 3 fans on in their room all day when they aren't home, and generally waste electricity like it's free. Our power bill went up $200 a month for awhile last winter because of shit like that. They have a fixed rent rate, so it doesn't affect them.

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- He likes to sit in the one bathroom we have for 30 minutes at a time, reading, and complain about it when one of us will bang on the door and tell him we need to use the bathroom. One time I had to pee so badly that I actually went in the back yard.

- One time they decided to get a dog (without asking me). They were talking about it, and when I realized they were serious, I was like "No, you can't get a dog, especially a little dog (I think they wanted a chihuahua/pomeranian mix) because they are hard to potty train and we are all gone pretty much all the time." I was seriously annoyed that they didn't even ASK me first but I tried to be nice. She came out of the bedroom, drunk, even though it was like 4pm, and was like yelling and crying because I was being SO UNFAIR for vetoing the dog, and SHE ACTUALLY THREATENED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE. Like she was seriously up in my face with her fists raised. And I was like, "If you do, I'm going to call the cops." And she called me a coward. I was like, no, I just really don't want to have a fight in my own house, thanks.

- In July of this year, I mentioned to her that GreenHunk and I were going to go to a lake near here on the weekend. She got really excited and started making all these elaborate plans for all the things she wanted to cook for a picnic. I went along with it but internally was very concerned that I would have time to do everything she wanted to do, because it was a pretty busy week for me. (I think I was out of town doing volunteer training for part of the week or something.) On the day before we were leaving, I came home from work with a headache, had a fight with GreenHunk about something, and didn't have the energy to spend hours cooking. I told her that I was probably not going to be able to do all that cooking when I got home. She sent me a bunch of angry text messages after that, and I was so tired and stressed I just didn't respond until the next day. The next day, though, I apologized and tried to get her to talk to me about it.

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- After that she gave me the silent treatment for about a month. Like literally would not say hi to me when I walked past her in the house.

- I kept asking her what I could do to fix things with her, and she would mention things she didn't like about the way the house was. I tried to fix the things she didn't like, but eventually I decided we needed to sit down and talk about things. I tried to schedule a time with her, and she agreed but kept saying she was busy. Finally I just approached her when she was in the kitchen and told her we really needed to talk. I asked if we could have more open communication and compromise more, rather than things happening like my cupboard getting taken over without us ever talking about it. She said she was planning on moving out soon, and I said, kind of sadly, "Well, since you're so unhappy living here, maybe that's the best way for us to preserve our friendship."

- apparently that was the wrong thing to say. The next day, everything of hers was out of the cupboard (they even took OUR pepper and garlic, but whatever) and she has not said a word to me since then.

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- her boyfriend told me they were moving out on October 1. Then a few days later he tried to play peacemaker, and told me all the things I could say to fix things with her. I told him I was sorry, but I'd already tried quite a bit to fix things, and everything I did seemed to make it worse and I was pretty hurt. I told him I was open to fixing things but she needed to come to me and she needed to apologize. Apparently he relayed this information to her, but instead of actually talking to me, she posted an angry, passive-aggressive status about it on Facebook, in which she accused me of "trying to change her." Although she didn't mention me by name, four of my other friends individually asked me, without my bringing it up, what was going on with her and if it was about me.

- Since then, she has posted more than 12 passive-aggressive statuses and images about "bad friends" and "leaving the past in the past." She still hasn't said a word to me since late August.

- In the meantime, as they are moving out, they've decided they're not going to do anything. They use my stuff in the kitchen and don't even pretend to clean anything anymore.

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- They've also decided it's cool if they use my toilet paper (I've bought it for last two months), but they're not going to replace it. Instead, they buy it, keep it in their rooms, and don't put it in the bathroom - but if we buy some, they use it.

- This morning I realized that they had taken the broom with them to their new place. (Remember, they bought it, but they also threw mine away without asking.)

- And they owe me $60 I'll probably never see.

In conclusion: WTF? And also, why did I put up with this for so long? I should have told them they needed to move out a year ago, when she said to my face that she didn't care about my feelings. Oh well, lesson learned.