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The Curious Case of the Broken Dock

On Tuesday, DudeButtcheeks (there's no easy way to make a boyfriend version of that) and I drove down to his family cabin. We live closest to it, so we make us of it quite frequently throughout the summer. His family lives further away, so they only make it up a few times. This past weekend was one of those times.

His aunt, who co-owns the cabin with his mother (they inherited it from their parents - it was built in the 50's) is kind of notorious for her disinterest in taking care of the cabin. She regularly leaves food behind, even when she knows no one will be at the cabin for a month. Once, she closed up the cabin for winter and left a package of motherfucking bacon behind in the fridge which gets turned off. When we reopened the cabin EIGHT FUCKING MONTHS LATER it smelled like death took a shit in a diaper and left it in our cabin. She lets her 18 year old son have run of the place when they visit, and last time he managed to lose Grandpa's 70 year old fishing rod (which was on display as an antique in the cabin) in the lake. Before we could install new cabinets in the kitchen, he took a caulking gun to them.

So we were a little wary of what we might find when we drove down to the cabin on Tuesday. We were thankful we were able to come the day after she left, before any food could rot. It's a good thing we did because she left a goddamn pork belly, package of bacon and a ziploc of leftover pancakes in the fridge.


We saw that she had taken the dock out of the water. Odd, but not totally weird. We often take out the dock early, before the water gets too cold. So we walked down to check it out. With utter horror, Dudebuttcheeks realized that she hadn't taken apart the dock - she had destroyed it.

The dock was built by his brother, and it was made to be easy to take apart and set up. All you needed to do was remove 6 screws and 6 bolts and ta-da! Dock done.

Instead of unscrewing the proper screws (she knew which were which, she's taken it apart before which is what makes the next bit so horrifying), she pulled the slats of wood apart without taking out any screws at all. How she did it, I have no idea. She must have had to use a fucking crowbar. The screws are stripped clean, the wood is splintered and the brackets are loose or bent. The dock is in a million pieces instead of 6. The structural integrity of the wood is shot, so the chance of us repairing it is pretty slim. It will cost hundreds to replace it.

When we got home, Dudebuttcheeks emailed her asking why she had taken apart the dock that way. She responded by saying him asking her questions upset her, she did everything right, and she would call us tonight to discuss it. She has yet to call. To give you more perspective on Auntie NutJob Extraordinaire, in the mid 90's she called Child & Family Services on very close family friends who had the gall to have a child (happily) out of wedlock and told CFS she would adopt their baby. They had to go through a whole investigation to clear it up.


Dudebuttcheeks is usually pretty passive aggressive whereas I am able unleash the fury of a thousand krakens at a moment's notice. So I'm kind of hoping he puts this one on speaker phone so I can verbally dismantle her.

Even better? We have a huge family reunion in two weeks. Shit's gonna be epic.

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