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The Daily Dump: BURT TAKES OVER!!!

AAAHHHH!! My turn to do the daily dump! FINALLY!! I have overthrown the tyranny that is Ubertrout and his Dickensian set of rules that we must obey! Rules?? We don't need your stinking rules!!! This is anarchy, Baby!! Better yet—

BURTANARCHY!

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First of all. Holy shit, was this hard. For some reason, today you guys wrote 8,743 articles for Groupthink. Thanks a lot. I don't have a job or anything. When I get fired for gross incompetence and negligence, you people better pony up my unemployment liquor money. (Hey, could I use FMLA to spend more time with Groupthink? I wonder if I can claim Groupthink as a dependent on my insurance? Thoughts.)


First up: This is a fine piece of journalism. I'm astounded at the way this brilliant reporter got to the very crux of a complex issue and spells it out. I had tears in my eyes. Bravo. First Place goes to Shiny Red Robot!!! Congratulations!!

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(Yeah, I'm awarding arbitrary awards. Not in any order or theme or connection. Not everyone gets one.She got first place. The next person might get 'tomato'. Whatevs; I'm in charge.)

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Listen to awesome lady Antoinette Tuff's 911 call here, courtesy of Penabler. She is Burt's spirit guide. For real.

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Catass' Fuck, Marry, Kill: We've all done FMK, but nobody does 'em quite like the lovely Catass. Also, Mama June, you have some suitors who wish to come 'a courtin'. Also shame on all of you people who wanted to have sex with Kris Jenner. Good grief. No. Just. No.

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ImaginaryFriend Gave Us News Of The Second Coming FUCK YEAH BOO BERRY.

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BlueJeans got us all talking about trolls (BECAUSE WTF MAINPAGE? DID GAWKER PUT OUT THE TROLL SIGNAL SOMEWHERE TODAY?) But then Ashronin was all 'Nah, boo, I got this." I give you two the "Blue and Yellow" Award, for posts who compliment each other nicely.

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Speaking of Ashronin, he put together this fucking great comparisons in minimum wages and the price of a Big Mac, by country. I bestow on him the highly coveted "Shit Burt Stole From Groupthink To Put On Her Own Personal Facebook And Pass Off As Something She Came Up With On Her Own" Award. This is highly coveted. Bill Clinton has one of these.

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Some of you have some cute freaking dogs. Like LeftoverHill. And SorciaMcNasty. Hey, even Heather Simon's dentist has a dog! He also inflicts unnecessary pain, makes small talk when you can't respond, and charges you 20 percent markups on incidentals. (seriously i love this dog and i am so jelly of you!)

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JennyApples got some new eyeglasses. In England, they call them Gogglyburshers and they wear them uspide down.

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Bumblecat got fucked on a job application. For real, those things fucking suck. Online job applications were designed by the SS.

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SouthernHelle tried to keep us all abreast when Kinja turned into a giant sinkhole in the Matrix or something. SoricaMcNasty was all I AM IN THE MATRIX TOO. Kinja! It does things!

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Holy fuck, Raindogwaiting has a lot of fucking nail polish! Gurl, how many fingers do you have?

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Do not fuck with Korra's sister. For real.

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VioletBaudeliwhateverIcan'tspellthissorry is really happy that there are so many women who made it into the Google Science Fair. Me too! That's pretty sweet! I present her the award for people who I forget how to spell their name. I would write the name of the award, but I forget how to spell it.

Laura Ingalls Gone Wilder got fucked over by some bullshit. Student loans need to be overhauled. Period. They are satan's minions.

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LaComtesse has the funniest Internet spoof thing since the Internet started. Cats shaming catcallers should be something we are able to whip out and electronically send immediately to assholes who engage in this shit.

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They are building the Hanging Gardens of Babylon up in Kabbarick's neighborhood, from the sound of it.

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I got IHatePickingNames a gift certificate for David's Bridal. I think she's going to love it.

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How right you were, WaxTadpole.

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Ubertrout eats salads. Also, HE EATS MY DUST BECAUSE I OWN THE DAILY DUMP NOW. WALLOW IN EXILE. WALLOW!

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DUDE! RAWGLICIOUS ATTENDS SCHOOL IN THE HOLY LAND! OMG. OMG. Also, some really awesome funny people are coming there or something cool

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AND lastly, there's this! OMG. HOLY SHIT. THIS IS BEYOND EPIC. WHAT IS THIS. I DON'T EVEN. 'SUB-BOB SLUTPANTS?' This comment thread about—things that Jesus would not want us to talk about—between this group of commenters deserves a place in the Commenting Hall of Fame. It's beyond epic. It's...Extended Epic. For this extraordinary achievement in blog commenting, I present everyone in this thread with a handful of trimmings from Burt's mustache. These are rare, as when Burt has his mustache clipped, the trimmings are taken to a temple in an undisclosed location, where a Shaman stands guard over them and recites Burt's final monologue from Sharky's Machine. Please handle these with care.

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So there it is; that's my dump. If I missed you it's because I ran out of time not because you suck and I hate your fucking guts and have put a massive voodoo curse on you, your entire family and all your future generations. I don't even know why you would think that. I needed your hair for a totally different thing. Jeez.

Now, everyone! Say it with me!!!

VIVA LA REVOLUTION!! VIVA LA BURT!!!!

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