All right, Groupthink, it's time to talk about that rude thing that YOU always do. Yeah, that's right. YOU. Salcevil told me all about it.
....Oh, don't give me that. You know exactly what I'm talking about.
... I shouldn't have to explain! If you don't know, then—
...Fine! FINE! I'll tell you. Since it means so much to you, I'll tell you.
But I mean, really. You do this every time. EVERY TIME I get too busy to visit, every time I have a million chores to do on the weekend, every time I do things like work and sleep and BREATHING, you say to yourself, "How can we be as interesting as possible so MyDearPeabody will be absolutely overwhelmed with our brilliance when she comes back here? How?" You rub your hands together with glee, and you conspire — that's right, I said conspire! — to write all of these incredibly interesting things that I want to read. So — hold on, I'm not done — you publish all these things, and I MISS THEM. Seriously, I'm gone for TWO SECONDS around here, and it's like everybody says, "Oooohooo, she's gone, time to be AMAZING!"
... Oh, examples? You want EXAMPLES? I'll give you examples!!
First of all, let's talk about Joss Whedon. Because everyone is, you know. Whiskey in the Shade is talking about him. Tychotronic is talking about him. HermioneStranger is talking about him all over the mainpage. A self-proclaimed feminist goes off about feminism, and all of the feminists start having these thought provoking discussions about it, WITHOUT ME.
And then there's all of these life-altering, deeply reflective conversations. Little Lita Ford is thinking about coming out as an atheist on Facebook. Jennyapples is teaching us how to spot a misogynist. Elijay42 is coming to terms with being high maintenance. Oh, what's that, Lapiquante? Oh, just an enlightening post about coming to terms with your body. Oh, Luckyfrog, you have a compelling story about injustice in the justice system? Great! Wax-tadpole has a discussion on being nice vs. being kind. Miraclewhips19 is exposing deeply disturbing shit going down in Texas education food services. WE GET IT. You're all so interesting and brilliant. *sniff*
... No, I'm not upset! Why would I be upset? I mean, it's not like anything fun is going on. It's not like Pteridophyta is going to tell me all about awesome games whether I like it or not. It's not like MyPrettyFloralBonnet is having a prom picture viewing party and afterward Rawrglicious is throwing a pajama party. During which Sarah "The Pope" Siegel would show us the Dr. Who trailer that leaked, and then we'd stay up late for a Sherlock-o-thon with Tamtams. It's not like Korra could share the gossip about how Fishnets is famous, and we'd all get to know our new friend SisterHavana, and AcidMartini would stage a mustache competition, and we'd all go to Sugarhill's garage sale in the morning.
Nope! Nothing fun! Nothing at all!
... Oh, don't give me that. Even if they did invite me now it would be a pity invite, and plus I'd probably get stuck with Ubertrout's foods that no one wants because that's how much you care.
...What? Oh, sure. Sure, yeah, I came back to GT and wrote a thing about Richie Incognito and masculinity. NEVER MIND THAT BLUEJEANS HAD ALREADY SHARED ONE AND IT WAS WAY BETTER AND COOLER AND MORE POPULAR THAN ME.
...Whatever. I'm not having this argument now. It doesn't matter anyway. You go and be cool with your cool self and your cool writing and your cool people. *hmmmph*
I could be cool, too. If I cared.