What up my Jez-Culottes? Hope y’all are having a BLASTille Day! Yeah, despite the crappy things in the news-RIP and the GZ vedict-we can still celebrate the revolution that typified The Enlightenment (but…I don’t think the Enlightenment thinkers had a guillotine in mind). But whatever, here is a history lesson written in true VV style, off the top of my head.

So, lets start with the Sun King. This was hella before the actual revolution, but still he kinda fucked the country. Because homie didn’t have a spending problem, he had a stopping spending problem. Drained the treasury. So that ain’t good.

Since there was no Louis XV, they skipped right to Louis the XVI. I think I got my numerals right. I’ll shoot first and fact check later. That’s how I roll, plus my computer is hella slow. But back to Louis. Louis wasn’t a bad dude, he just wasn’t very bright. His wife was homies with Sofia Coppola, but not IRL as y’all know. But she was ok, like, a nice person by all accounts. But also, kinda out of touch. So was the rest of the court. Again, not a lot of that cash money, so the decided to tax the peasants. Didn’t help that there was a huge famine. So people who were starving got fed up.

Emulating the American Revolution, the people were all “it’s time for a change”. It didn’t start totally bloody. The tried, bless their hearts, to get the Estates to come correct. Enter our main playas. We got Robespierre, my favorite homie (who, as a kid, gave a speech to Marie Antoinette and Louis, but they were like, “damn we’re bored”). But Robes did his best to be like, “well, we can do this in a nice way”. So they did this thing in a tennis court, where they called the Estates General-the royals/king, the church, and the people-and everyone agreed to play nice. Something like that. 1789, what up!

But, the people (Sans Culottes) were basically “aw helllllll nah”. So they did things like storm the main prison-The Bastille-and some badass ladies marched on Versailles to get flour. I’m pretty sure they got flour. Flour was a big deal.

Also, there was an attempt to craft a constitution. They wanted to end things like slavery, but sadly not so keen on giving rights to women. Shout out to Mary Wollstonecraft and Etta Palm d’Aelders! Badass. But soon, shit got real. Fun times, but not if you were the one who was going to be short a head.

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Yes, the terror. My homie Robespierre said “Terror is only justice: prompt, severe and inflexible; it is then an emanation of virtue; it is less a distinct principle than a natural consequence of the general principle of democracy, applied to the most pressing wants of the country”. This means that absolute power was beginning to corrupt absolutely. So, not so great. The king and queen, of course, pretty much went first. But soon it was everyone no one liked-like the neighbor who was a total dick. People came out to watch the beheadings. No YouTube. Also, I guess, mob justice was in.

I’m skipping over a lot-Danton, The Mountain, The Jacobins, Marat being stabbed in a bathtub-because I’m kinda going off what I like and the top of my head. Plus what I taught my sophomore history class. Robespierre got his head chopped off after his homies on The Committee of Public Safety were all “slow your roll Max”. He did not. He tried shooting himself, but pretty much just got his jaw. So off went his head.

The revolution ended around the end of the century. The Napoleon was all up in Europe’s business. But the spirit lived on.

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VV’s version of the French Rev y’all. Also here’s a more informative video that you can dance to. Vive everything! Eat some cake. Cake is good for you.

Also, add your favorite facts/anything you like that I missed.

Edit: I'll look over it later, because it probably is badly written and I'm kinda out of it. Please be kind! :) But y'all always are!

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Edit deux-Wikipedia article