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The Gift that Keeps On Giving

Don’t you love surprising yourself by things you did when you were drunk? My drunk personality really knows how to take care of my sober one. I just got a post-drunk surprise from Monday.

After I had kind of a shitty day, I drank a bunch of wine (as one does). Then I ordered some new sex toys online! (note: never memorize your debit or credit card numbers. This = drunk online shopping). I got a shipment notification in my email and was like HUH? and then I was like OH YEAH. Come Monday, I will have new presents for myself.

Instances in the past that I have done this:

  • When I was struggling to get a credit card paid off, and was like, at the last $1000, I got a bonus at work and was doing my normal “but maybe I’ll invest in some new shoes or something that I’ve needed forever” dance. While I could have used that, instead I got drunk and paid off my credit cards.
  • On my birthday in February, we went bar hopping in the middle of the week to a bar downtown that will mail a postcard to anyone for you (you know, with its information and stuff so it’s advertising). I sent a very, very elaborate drawing of a penis to my friend’s ex husband (we are all amicable but he’s kind of a public menace/shit-stirrer so this made sense). I forgot about it, and then got a “WTF my mailman’s going to think I’m a pervert” text with a picture of it, two days later! Happy birthday to Sober Me.
  • I broke up with a boyfriend drunk. He wasn’t a bad guy but I really needed to get rid of the guy - he treated me like crap but the sex was amazing and my parents liked him because he was good on paper, so I was having trouble letting go of him. Well, I got some drunk courage one night, dumped him, and remembered late in the day the next day when I hadn’t heard from him. When I announced this to my roommates at the time, they cheered.

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