Don’t you love surprising yourself by things you did when you were drunk? My drunk personality really knows how to take care of my sober one. I just got a post-drunk surprise from Monday.

After I had kind of a shitty day, I drank a bunch of wine (as one does). Then I ordered some new sex toys online! (note: never memorize your debit or credit card numbers. This = drunk online shopping). I got a shipment notification in my email and was like HUH? and then I was like OH YEAH. Come Monday, I will have new presents for myself.

Instances in the past that I have done this:

  • When I was struggling to get a credit card paid off, and was like, at the last $1000, I got a bonus at work and was doing my normal “but maybe I’ll invest in some new shoes or something that I’ve needed forever” dance. While I could have used that, instead I got drunk and paid off my credit cards.
  • On my birthday in February, we went bar hopping in the middle of the week to a bar downtown that will mail a postcard to anyone for you (you know, with its information and stuff so it’s advertising). I sent a very, very elaborate drawing of a penis to my friend’s ex husband (we are all amicable but he’s kind of a public menace/shit-stirrer so this made sense). I forgot about it, and then got a “WTF my mailman’s going to think I’m a pervert” text with a picture of it, two days later! Happy birthday to Sober Me.
  • I broke up with a boyfriend drunk. He wasn’t a bad guy but I really needed to get rid of the guy - he treated me like crap but the sex was amazing and my parents liked him because he was good on paper, so I was having trouble letting go of him. Well, I got some drunk courage one night, dumped him, and remembered late in the day the next day when I hadn’t heard from him. When I announced this to my roommates at the time, they cheered.

Got any stories like this?