Did you know that if you try to burn a snowball in Pittsburgh it won't melt? Or, rather, it will kind of melt, but it will turn black and give off a weird chemically smell. Know why? Because it's not real snow. It's Government Chemical Snow, and it's dropped to the ground by planes. All of the weather is controlled by Government Weather Planes, it's been leaked by people who used to be in the Air Force or something, and that's why the weather is so much crazier than it was when we were kids. That's why there are so many planes flying over your house; no one actually flies that much. Anywhoo, the Polar Vortex was a Government Scam to do something (not sure what) and you should know that.
This is what the seemingly normal girl I met last night got drunk and started talking about. I was enthralled. I love it when people turn out to be effing nutso.