Does anyone else want to just crawl into a hole and come out Jan 3rd?
This time of year is always stressful and exhausting because I’m a teacher and it’s end of term.
And emotionally it’s exhausting because of the holidays.
Last year, I was in a (seemingly) happy relationship enjoying a lot of love/family/friends. This year, I just feel alone and lonely and just dreading the holidays. I’ll be spending it with my best friend in Vermont as usual and she’s super sweet and keeps sending me emails about how much she’s looking forward to seeing me, and I’m really looking forward to seeing her too...but...I can’t shake this feeling of embarrassment and shame. I brought my ex along last year to introduce him to everyone because these people are really important to me: they are my chosen family. And this year I’ll be by myself...again. It feels like going backwards instead of moving forward, even though that’s not really true. But in my mind last year, I wasn’t going to have to spend the holidays single and lonely ever again. And here I am. Single, lonely, feeling sad and trying to figure out how to cope and not burst into tears - for serious, I’ve been tearing up when thinking about all this on public transit to and from work these past few days and it sucks and is embarrassing.
It’s this odd juxtaposition of KNOWING that I’m not “behind in the life olympics”, or moving backward, but FEELING like that’s true. It’s like a got a taste of what it can be like to not feel sad and lonely on the holidays - to have someone that cares about you to share it with only to have it cruelly taken away (for those who weren’t following in the summer, I was completely blindsided by him breaking up with me suddenly, a month before he was going to move in).
It doesn’t help that at our department meeting today, there were THREE announcement of people having babies next semester. These announcement do have a practical purpose - here is Quebec father’s get 5 weeks of “use it or lose it” paternaty leave, so it’s a heads up for substitution opportunities for our newer staff members. But in my head it was all “GOD, here are all these fucking people getting all the joy and blessings in their lives and the loving attention that comes with that and I just want to crawl into a hole and never come out” ... FFS, I don’t even WANT kids! My co-workers personal lives/having kids has NOTHING to do with me, but tell that to my broken heart having to spend another Christmas being bombarded with couples and families with their happy photos of them or their kids or their baby bumps on facebook while I spend my time trying not to cry.
The Holidays can really suck. I’ll be grateful when they are over.
P.S. I do appreciate my friend’s very real sentiment of looking forward to seeing me and how much she misses me. My mother also, who is usually terrible about these things, offered to have fly me to her house for the holidays so that I wouldn’t be alone - understanding the this Christmas would probably be shittier than usual. So there are people in my life who understand. It’s still hard.