Welcome To The Bitchery
Welcome To The Bitchery

As many people have remarked, the funniest thing about the food articles is the abject lunacy they generate, both on GT and (especially) on Facebook. I generally avoid "I got mainpaged and now I am going to bitch about trolls" posts, so I don't look at this as one of those. To me, this is a catalogue of the abject insanity of internet commenters, because some of these are INCREDIBLE.

Type 1: The Avatar of No Creativity

"lol you really have the worst taste. People like you are why I want to make sure my kids don't just eat chicken tenders, french fries and pizza for the rest of their life."

"You get paid for this?!"

These are genuinely the only comments that get on my nerves, because they're just so lazy and uncreative. Also, illogical; if you think "this person does not like specific foods, therefore THEY MUST HATE ALL FOODS" (despite repeated mentions of foods I like including things like Kale, for fuck's sake), you are a goddamned idiot. Granted, these generally come from people who lack the writing ability to actually form a single coherent paragraph, so it's not shocking.

Type 2: Hyperbole Blindness

"Maybe retitle this to "Foods That I Do Not Like"?"

I'm not going to call it "Foods I Do Not Like" just because some people are too goddamn stupid to understand that I am not literally attempting to purge these foods from the Earth. I am making stupid jokes about how much I don't like certain foods because quite a number of people seem to like them.

Type 3: Sanctimony Ponies

"i'll say it: this list has a race problem."

"Way to shit all over Indonesia's culture [because I don't like Tempeh]."

Oh just wow.

Type 4: The Glorious Gems

I LIVE for these. These are wonderful. They are amazing. I write the articles specifically hoping to generate this kind of insanity.

"I guess an idiot wrote this?" — I'm not sure? Why are we using question marks? Are you unable to decide whether I am an idiot or not?

"What a piece of garbage article, the ignorant stupid nub who wrote this should be banned from the internet." — OH MY GOD YES. BANNED FROM TEH INTERWEBS! If I ever do start a blog, that's my tagline RIGHT THERE.

"What the hell kind of journalism is this? This is terrible. What the hell! This belongs on a blog." — Yes. A blog such as Jezebel. Which is a blog. As Shiny once said, "THE INTERNET IS NO PLACE FOR FRIVOLITY!"

"Whinny little bitch." — BLUCHER!

"What about sausage wrapped in pancake, nice see jez shoot down healthy food and discourage people from. But fuuuuuuuuuuck, it might be from somewhere un-northamerican!!!! We are putting vaginas under distress people!" — As I told this commenter, I am legitimately wondering if they are a spy and this is some kind of code. Part of me wants to respond "THE FOX IS IN THE HENHOUSE, THE FOX IS IN THE HENHOUSE, TANGO OTTER DOWN" just to see if the US then launches a drone strike against Belize or something.

"are you some kind of genius because you don't like marshmallows?" — Clearly, the answer is yes.

"I feel sorry for this writer. Apparently he/she has never eaten any of this food prepared properly. He/she probably grew up in a barn fighting the pigs for scraps instead of having someone lovingly make him/her some corn pudding, green bean casserole and chess squares. So sad. Seriously. I weep." — I don't even know how to respond to this. This shit is nuttier than squirrel turds.

"First of all, "turkey" should top this list since they should be allowed to live instead of be eaten by humans..." — Holy shit, I didn't know Morrissey was a Gawker commenter! Hi Morrissey!

"Yup, spoiled, overfed firstworlder. Some hunger will do you good, piglet. People like you are so fucking over-satisfied you're obscene." and "You're so pitiful, and yet not pitiful enough to actually pity you." — These are from the same commenter, who was just too adorable for words. The latter one is particularly amazing; that's like the Inception of internet comments.

If I missed any, feel free to add them in the comments.

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