Let me rip the band-aid off before I get all kinds of long winded in here. I am pretty sure I'm pregnant. I never expected I could get pregnant, but it's not like I've talked to a doctor about it either, so it was pretty stupid thing to think. I always thought when the time came that I wanted a child with my partner we would adopt. God I'm great at ignoring and pushing aside my own very real needs.

Ever since I was a teenager I've had an incredibly irregular period. I always lied about it when my step mother would take me to the doctor. I think I always felt like I had to hide the problems I had for fear of rocking the boat. My childhood was nothing short of tumultuous. I've struggled with things that I suspect relate to my period that comes and goes on a whim. But I've never, ever been able to bring myself to talk to a doctor about it. Let me tell you, self care has NEVER been my forte. I'm also pretty fat, which I'm sure doesn't help the odds of a healthy pregnancy. I don't have insurance right now. It's my own dumb fault for not advocating for myself more, but there it is. No insurance. Pregnant. Possibly high risk? Fuck if I know what to do.

Today I am calling Planned Parenthood as soon as they open to schedule an appointment. Thank the powers that be I can afford to pay out of pocket. I feel like it will be a good place to start. Planned Parenthood has resources, right? They can at least help me figure out what testing I should have done, if any, and point me in a direction.

So that's all of the nitty gritty unemotional stuff. Let me tell you though, things have been so emotional I feel fucking exhausted. I was sick last week. I was eating very little. I'd eat like 1/4 of a salad and just feel like I didn't want anymore because I felt off. I had one particularly bad night that ended with quite a bit of vomit. The next day(Friday) I took two pregnancy tests that came back positive. One of the first things my partner brought up was termination. He hasn't been upset or angry, he just turns into this insensitive Spock-like creature when he is under a lot of stress. I've taken two more since, both of those were positive.

I'm in really bad denial even though I think my actions are somewhat rational. I've started on a prenatal vitamin already(did you know lots of prenatal vitamins are two pills? I didn't, but I do now). I've been really careful about what I am ingesting. I think I want this parasite to become the kind of parasite that crawls, runs around, and brings joy(and every other emotion, I'm sure) to my life. I am convinced that I will miscarry at any moment, particularly if I decide I want this. I'm absolutely sure that every period I've had for the last ten years was just a miscarriage, I'm somewhat broken in this regard. I've never felt like this though. This isn't just cramps, I haven't been bleeding(save for some discharge that the internet tells me is pretty normal). I've been sick, I've been thirsty, I've had sore boobs, I've been really god damn emotional, and well I've got quite a few pregnancy tests to back me up. In the back of my mind I think it's all wrong though, I've got a tumor that secretes HCG, not a little poppy-seed sized blastocyst or whatever it's called at this point.

This morning I mentioned to my boyfriend that he should look into his work insurance and what we'd need to do to add me(if we even could). In his Spock-like state he tells me that he's already planning on it and we need to get married...Yeah, get married. The perpetually partnered, never marrying, ten year long relationship us. We have actually recently talked very seriously about marriage, and ironically children. However, this is never how I imagined it going down. I broke into sobs when he mentioned marriage, he very quickly realized how callously he'd mentioned marriage and felt bad about it. He sat with me until I calmed down. I can't be the person who traps him into marriage because I was careless with my reproductive health.

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I'm not sure what this post will garner me, I just really needed to get it all out of my head. I know that people here tend to be understanding, any advice on things to say/ask at my appointment? Any words that might be able to sooth me/calm me? Wanna tell me what a fuck up I am? I can promise you won't have anything to say that I haven't said to myself already, so let 'er rip. I plan on being really open and honest at the PP appointment. I will tell them my period is incredibly sporadic, I'm scared this isn't real, I'm scared of miscarriage, I don't have insurance, and I think I should be seeing a mental health practitioner since I haven't been in therapy for over a year. I'm scared shitless right now, but not so much of the child that could be created of this process, more of accepting that this can happen without somehow being ripped away from me the moment I decide I want it.

*Side note*

As I was writing this I was feeling a bit gross in the tummy-region. Literally after writing the last line up there I ran to the kitchen garbage and vomited. HOWFUN.