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If Chivalry is Dead, Good Riddance

The newest piece of trash article a friend on FB shared today...drumroll please: is about how chivalry is dead! Full disclosure: this is about a year old, but it doesn't make it any less annoying to me. And this is going to be Holy Heteronormative because it's about heterosexual relationships. I can't speak with any authority on anything but, but I'd love for others to chime in about their relationship to chivalry, if there is any.


I hate chivalry with every fiber of my being. Chivalry and manners are completely different; chivalry is about a man controlling the interactions between he and a woman, by treating her exactly as conventional wisdom would tell you all women want to be treated, whereas manners are conventionally accepted ways to treat all people around you (which can be sexist, but are not inherently about romance). Not only that, but chivalry is implied to be The Correct Way to treat a woman - which strips us women of our say in the matter, and either make us into a *normal* woman, or an *abnormal* woman (maybe even a "cool girl?") - all based on a series of rules put forth by tradition. There is no discussion about individual preferences, and there is the added subtext that women shall simply be on the receiving end of treatment. In some ways, pulling out a chair or holding a door - if done as a result of "chivalry" rather than just plain manners (meaning, you'd do it for anyone) - becomes an act of aggression. "You sit before me, you get out of the car after me, because our relationship is structured in this way - I am the one who opens the door." It's not a casual act of kindness, but a rehearsed act of tradition.

I don't blame men who do these things (unless they are ignoring the wants and needs of their individual partners). This is about a structure set forth that both women and men have been told they must adhere to, where-in men must be active and make decisions, and women passive. Then we get articles lamenting the death of this structure, as if it were so easy to follow but stupid modernity has ruined everything.

More importantly, this rehearsed tradition acts as a list of do's and don't's that should earn a man a happy girlfriend or wife. Year after year, my mother received flowers and jewelry on anniversaries and birthdays from my father; these gifts do not fit her personality. By most accounts, he was being really sweet and kind - and I know his intentions were pure. Rather than listening to her for 30 years, he kept trying again, wondering why the presents weren't a huge hit. She could have been more grateful - Lord knows she's bad at accepting gifts; but more significantly, she wasn't considered in these interactions. I don't blame him, entirely - he was taught that these are a thing a woman wants. He was trying to do right by her. When she didn't want them, it was a flaw in her character, rather than a part of her personality that he could have learned and accepted. Just like he prefers golf gear over electronics, she prefers other gifts over these traditional feminine ones.

Now that you all know exactly how much I hate chivalry, the article.

In the hookup culture we now live in, it's pretty obvious that chivalry is completely dead.


Ah, the old sex-ruins-everything mentality. If it's sex or chivalry, I choose sex (or, if I were a woman who is into chivalrous behavior, maybe both...?).

Dating is done. Seriously, who goes on dates anymore? It's all about hooking up, getting a number, grabbing a drink and getting down. I think I'm the only single guy I know that actually takes a girl out to a restaurant on a first date. There's a reason for this. If you take a girl out and show her you're more than some douche looking to just get in her pants, odds are, you're going to get a second date, at least. Call me old fashioned, but a nice dinner is worth the money to get to know someone to some extent.


Well, I date (or, I did when I was single). I've gone on lots of dates, and I'm a slutty slut. Dating, as it used to be, might be done. And that's ok - things change. You also aren't picking up an adult woman from her parents' house because women are allowed to move out, these days. If women around you are lamenting that they don't have someone to take them out to a restaurant on a nice date, then by all means, just do it (given that it's your preference too)! But if that's not what people want, who are you to say they should want it?

And there is not a requirement of zero sexual advances that lead to a second date; that's not the criteria. While no woman wants to be pressured or advanced upon too quickly, some women will respond just fine to the idea of quick sex, and some won't. It's about listening to the woman, knowing and respecting her preferences. Again, we return to the idea that women are being treated as a monolith. A woman desiring sex does not mean romance is dead; it means that her idea of romance (or whatever you want to call it) involves sex. Big deal. If you, men, don't want to have the sex, of COURSE you don't have to. But putting men in the position of sexual aggressor and the women in position as sexual receiver (and gatekeeper) helps no one.

What happened to paying for dinners and drinks?

Women started earning income, you dope. Marriage and romance have become more than transactions. Some men decided they didn't want to pay for everything, and some women decided they didn't need or want men to pay for everything. Pay for women, if YOU want to pay for women and if women you know want them to pay for you. But don't act as if this has ruined the institution of dating. If you are out, and everyone is happy with how payment is arranged, and you're having a good time together, these little things don't matter. If you think your dates are being ruined because a woman doesn't want you to pay for her, your priorities are...confused.

What happened to walking on the outside, closest to the street and all that sh*t?


Well I've never heard of that at all. I'm guessing you're protecting the woman from the outside world, by being on her left rather than her right? Is that really going to help, or is this just a useless rule you follow to make sure you are being the perfect date?

When did it become acceptable to just text a girl, inviting her to come bang?

When the girl wanted to receive that text message, and the guy wanted to send it! You must be seeing a theme here, right?

I'm just saying, why have we strayed away from what has been established as the norm?


Because clearly, the norm wasn't what many people wanted - or we'd still be there. I can only read from this, really, that women aren't acting the way this guy wants them to act, and he is blaming other men's lack of chivalry for it. Preferences of women aren't even mentioned. They're not factored in. This is because, of course, chivalry has nothing to do with women's preferences, and everything to do with women being expected to have certain preferences. Is he displeased that others seem successful with women, despite their utter lack of chivalry? Because that should tell you just how important chivalry isn't.

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