TW: Abusive relationships. No mainpage (not that it would, but just sayin')
I try to live my life without regrets, but sometimes I do feel some intense regrets. Namely, a past relationship, how it went, and how it ended.
I got in my first relationship when I was 17. It lasted until I was 22. It was a roller coaster. We loved each other so much. We were very alike. But we both struggled with severe depression, but were too young to realize it. He was an alcoholic with severe anger issues. I was a severely depressed, unstable, codependent personality with trust issues and a tendency to push people away. When we fought, I cried, he punched things and broke things, and things got way out of hand. I tended to blame him for everything, often when it wasn't his fault. We broke up every other month. Our parents hated each other. His parents hated me. My parents hated him. There was no way it was going to work. I cheated on him after he got particularly angry and hurt me, leaving bruises. I regretted it but never told him. When I turned 22 I ended things. I severed ties with not only him, but every mutual friend we had, because the whole situation was too toxic to have those ties in place. I stopped talking to him altogether, because he just wanted to rehash why I broke up with him, when I thought it was all pretty clear that we weren't good together. We loved each other, but we were terrible together and awful to each other. We had a lot of growth to do.
Now I'm five years older. I've worked on myself so much. I've been diagnosed. I've been to therapy. I'm on medication. I've learned that all of my crazy instability as a young adult wasn't just being young: I had a problem that wasn't diagnosed. I'm in a happy relationship with someone who would never, ever hurt me or get drunk and angry. Our parents like each other, and us together.
I am so happy, and I would never want to go back to my life when I was 17 to 22, but I feel a heavy weight on my chest about the whole thing. I feel awful that I was such an unstable person. I feel terrible for hurting my ex. I don't like that I lied and cheated. I should have been more mature about the whole thing. I don't like that I cut off ties with all of our mutual friends. I just didn't know what else to do. I needed to get out of there to regain my sanity and work on myself. But when I walked away, all my bridges burned.
I don't know why I'm writing this other than to get my thoughts out of my head. Life is insane. Looking back it all just looks like a dream/nightmare, and I feel like that wasn't really me. I would be so different now. But it happened, and I can't take anything back.