Welcome To The Bitchery
Welcome To The Bitchery
Illustration for article titled The Opera Adaptation of The Tragical History Of Burt ReynoldsIMSG

To the tune of “Nessun Dorma”:


Listen up, y’all!

Nessun Dorma!

Tu pure o Spirit Gui-ide,

nella tua Gawker workplace,

guaaaardi les Starred Recs,

que tremano d’intelligence

ed femminismo.

Ma il tu mistero è chuiso in ti,

thy sordid bargain nessun saprà!

No, no, on the mainpaaage I won’t diro,

quando les douchebags ruuuun amoooook.

By your sweet snark may the MRAs be silencio’d,

as is your duuuuty.

(Il bargain suo nessun saprà…

e noi dovrem, ahime, persevere)

Booze up, o notte!

Must write shit that’s stellar!

Must write shit that’s stellar!

All’alba go pass out!

Go pass out!


I recommend listening to Andrea Bocelli or Luciano Pavarotti or Jussi Björling sing it whilst reading this magnificent aria I have penned. And by penned, I mean egregiously plagiarized from Puccini. (Use that link to see the translation, so you can learn things like that "All'alba" means "At dawn"...which makes "All'alba go pass out" make Burtish sense.)


ETA: This is the companion piece to WhiskeyInTheShadows's tragical verse of the same name. We made a pact, like true artists do.


Share This Story

Get our newsletter