I am so glad I am able to talk to my doctor today. This situation is not something I could avoid...

...My mother is coming down.

TW: Inappropriate talk of sexual stuff that is quite personal.

I know. I come off as nearly spineless. I’m transitioning off of a benzo and in a pretty weird state, she was very aggressive and I am very vulnerable right now, and I had nightmares about this.

Yes, bad dreams I had last night. None of these things happened/have happened IRL yet, but this shit was disturbing to me.

On the nightmares:

  1. Part one: I am forced (which is IRL) to pick her up at the airport. This, IRL, is not unexpected (but she did come off as way too demanding-if she was kinder and said ‘if you can’ instead of ‘you will’, I would have been more receptive). However, as I’m driving her down the freeway, she begins to ask me REALLY inappropriate questions. “Why don’t you have a boyfriend yet? Are you a dyke?” Note: From my previous post, you’ll see that I’m frequently called a ‘retard’, so her using slurs is not out of the ordinary...as disgusting as that is, and, the worst, “Do you have sex?”. Then for some reason she was in my room, and found my vibrator. And laughed at me and shamed me. I have a lot of hangups around intimacy, and dating in general is really hard, and I DO NOT CONFIDE ANYTHING IN HER ABOUT THIS BECAUSE OF HER TEASING ME ABOUT SEX FROM A VERY YOUNG AGE.
  2. Part two, a continuation of part one: Again, driving her from the airport. She starts in on the same personal talk...and I turn the fuck around and drop her at her gate. “You need to leave. Now.” and I drive away. Pretty cool, but her screaming profanities at me was part of the nightmare.
  3. Part three: SHE BECOMES A PSYCHOLOGIST AND ACCESSES MY MEDICAL RECORDS. Yeah. I can’t wait to tell my doctor that one. IRL, my mother has tried to do that before-she’s called my doctor demanding to know what I say during therapy, using the “I pay, you say” line. Thankfully, I now pay my bills-but she’s the one with insurance.

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I am doing my best to try and make the stay enjoyable. She’s inviting a friend, so I hope she can be nice. I’m taking her to my favorite store-sadly, I’m pretty sure she’ll passive-aggressively complain about everything and talk down to my friends there.

I feel like I come off as a pushover, but I know some of y’all really relate. I feel like this is the ‘Come back or else’ stage of the cycle. I feel bad referring to it as an abusive cycle, but I think that is what this is.

One day I’ll be completely free-I’m halfway there-and then she won’t be able to do this to me anymore. It just brings me down so much.

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Especially the sex stuff. Feeling dirty just writing about it.