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The Totally True and Accurate History of the National Football League (Trigger Warning: Weird Humor)

I wrote this several years ago, but its publication was suppressed by people who would be negatively impacted by the truths it reveals. So I give you, without fear, the truth about the NFL:

Although the sport know as "American Football" is widely recognized as America's third most popular sport — behind grouse-baiting and eXtreme cricket — few are aware of it's rich and complex history. This blog will delve into this history.


Part I: The League

Most are aware that the National Football League was hastily assembled from the remnants of the unsuccessful League of Nations. Very few know any details about this shadowy organization that prefers to work behind the scenes. Indeed, many who have tried to learn more about the League have disappeared, only to reappear with their memories erased, playing Left Guard for the St. Louis Rams. Suffice it to say that their goals are benign — mostly — and that they answer to no power other than themselves.


Part II: The National Football Conference

A) The Conference

The NFC are the original architects of the game of American Football. It was founded in 1786 by a group of British prisoners of war who had once played the game known in England as "football," a game now know as the card game Euchre. Over the next century, the Conference carefully crafted a game that combined the quick violence of Ice Hockey, the byzantine complexity of Baseball, and the long delays and discussions of the parliamentary system.


B) The Teams

1) Teams of the North

a) The Chicago Bears

Originally founded in 1802 as the Chicago Bear-Baiting Society, this organization gradually shifted from "The Savory Science" (as Bear Baiting is known to its aficionados) to the game of football, due to the influence of the Humane Society and the increasing political power of bears, particularly on the west coast.


b) The Detroit Lions

The Detroit Lions were invented by George Plimpton and the staff of the Paris Review as a joke. In a twist right out of Borges, people clung to the myth of the Lions, a team which has carried Detroit through many hard times. To this day, literally dozens of people travel to Ford Field on Sundays in the hopes of seeing this fabled team.


c) The Green Bay Packers

The Packers were founded as the football team of the Green Bay Commune, and it is still tightly controlled by the Board of Equals, although many believe that the Commune has wandered far from its Marxists roots. As evidence, many point to the recent quarterback controversies. By rule, the role of quarterback is supposed to be assigned by lot. But towards the end of the twentieth century, a stranger with no past or future wandered into town and took on the quarterback position. Many suspect the stranger — who called himself "Favre" — of using dark magicks. After his recent departure from Green Bay, many people appeared to emerge from strange trances with little memory of the past decade.


d) The Minnesota Vikings

In the Middle Ages, Vikings settled in North America, which they called "Vinland". Some of them journeyed west until they found the Great Lakes. Sailing across the vast inland sea of Lake Superior, the Vikings settled in what is now Minnesota, believing they had found the battlefields surrounding Valhalla, where the heroic dead engaged in a glorious battle for all eternity. A remnant of this group live in Minneapolis to this day.


2) The Teams of the South

a) The Atlanta Falcons

The wise old Gnome Ted Turner began this organization in the hopes of recreating the halcyon days of his youth, when he spent his days practicing the ancient art of falconry.


b) The Carolina Panthers

North and South Carolina fought for years over this team, which was originally founded to hunt the mythical Carolina Panther, whose pelt was thought possess the power to heal the wounds of the Civil War.


c) The New Orleans Saints

Many come to engage in drunken revelries on Mardis Gras in New Orleans, but every year, some are left behind. These are put through a series of ordeals based on the sufferings of the saints of the early Church. Those that survive put on the uniform of the New Orleans Saints


d) The Tampa Bay Buccaneers

During Colonial days, pirates often used Tampa Bay ("Tampa" being a crude term for a menstruating prostitute) as a hideout. Eventually, these "buccaneers" were trapped in their own hideout, where they and their descendants continually search for a means of escape so that they may once more despoil the gulf coast.


3) Teams of the East

a) The Dallas Cowboys

The moniker "America's Team" is based on mistake in punctuation; the Cowboys were founded as The Americas Team, a team that would travel from Point Barrow to Tierra del Fuego, spreading the mythology of the American West. They have long-since given up this dream, and now are under the thrall of the mysterious cyborg Jerry Jones, who controls his machine from his secret lair beneath the canals of Las Colinas


b) The New York Football Giants

This team is known as the "New York Football Giants" to distinguish them from the actual New York Giants, a race distinct from their European counterparts, whose tendency towards violence has led to their extinction. The peace-loving giants of New York are divided in their opinion about their namesakes: some find it an offense to their proud heritage, others see it as a fitting tribute.


c) The Philadelphia Eagles

The Eagles once terrorized the Eastern seaboard as one of the beasts of battle: Wolf, Raven and Eagle. But the bloodthirsty Eagles had a peaceful, easy feeling and a cheating heart. They sent their compatriots in terror to the dreaded "Hotel California," from which those who checked out could never leave. They continue their reign of dread, although now they do it with a watchful eye toward their newly resurrected rivals, the Baltimore Ravens.


d) The Washington Redskins

Are a bunch of filthy Indian haters.

I'm sorry, I meant "Native American"

4) Teams of the west

a) The Arizona Cardinals

This team was originally appointed by the supreme pontiff of football to be chief in all matters of the gridiron. However, "The Incident" (see below, AFC) that ultimately resulted in the shift of the Cardinals from Chicago to Arizona led to the Great Schism, in which The Dallas Cowboys, the New England Patriots, the Green Bay Packers, and, for some reason, Bedford/St. Martin's publishing house, all vied for power. In the end, it was decided that no one should hold total control. However, it is customary for other teams to genuflect before the quarterback of the Cardinals.


b) The San Francisco 49ers

The secret society of the 49, devoted to the mystery of the seven sevens that were buried deep in the mines of California, has been around for generations. But some have said that the 49ers have dug too greedily, too deep, and uncovered secrets of the gridiron that men were not meant to know.


c) The Seattle Seahawks

The totem animal of the Seattle football players association, the mighty skua has long been associated with the Faroes god Kjogvi, the deity of kitchen utensils, lightning, and small surgery. Although there are few who still practice the old ways in the great city of Seattle, it is still common to present an offering of the first pus drained from a cyst at the team's first game.


d) The St. Louis Rams

No team was more traumatized by "The Incident" (see below, AFC) than the Rams, who continue to play in a small section of Los Angeles that is transported through a dimensional rift to the city of St. Louis.


Part III: The American Football Conference

A)The Conference:

One gray November morning, a stranger entered the offices of one Pete Rozelle to offer a dire warning: the AFL were coming. Many things confused Mr. Rozelle about this statement, not the least of them the use of a plural verb with what appeared to be a singular noun, but more so the fact that this Mr. Rozelle was not the commissioner of the NFL but rather an assayer for the firm Rozelle and Bukowski. The year was 1898, and the time traveler had come to the wrong year. He was subsequently institutionalized, but he received relatively good psychological treatment and was eventually able to adapt to life at the turn of the twentieth century, finding work as a haberdasher. Unfortunately, this meant that the NFL was totally unprepared for the arrival, from an unknown dimension, of the time-traveling, shape-shifting, two-point-converting entities styling themselves — in this reality — the American Football League. The brutal war that followed reverberated across the dimensions of the Multi-verse, although it was resolved peacefully in our own dimension. But it is an uneasy peace that holds between the two conferences.


1)Teams of the North:

a) The Baltimore Ravens

For many years after the mysterious disappearance of the Baltimore Colts (see below), a mysterious stranger visited the wine cellar in which Johnny Unitas was entombed alive, screaming "Montresor!" Then, one dark and dreary night, a single raven flew into the city and perched on the bust of Pallas that stands in Baltimore's inner harbor. The bird croaked one single word: "Browns!" Just as quickly and mysteriously as the Colts had once disappeared, the Cleavland Browns found themselves transformed into the Baltimore Ravens. Every autumn, they emerge from the darkness of their crumbling Gothic stadium to spread fear and panic throughout the AFC.


b) The Cincinnati Bengals

In 1941, When Kentucky rejoined the CSA in Harry Turtledove's Timeline-191 universe, one of the consequences was that a merry band of circus performers became stuck in Cincinnati. Unable to cross the border into Covington, they were able to cross dimensional borders, emerging in our world as the Cincinnati Bengals football team. Although they miss the happy-go-lucky days when they toured across a divided North America in which Special Order 191 was never recovered by the Union army, they have adapted to our universe quite well.


c) The Cleavland Browns

In 1996, the entire staff of the Browns disappeared into the Lake Erie Pentangle, an area so mysterious that no Wikipedia article has ever escaped its gravity well. 3 Years later, they emerged from the mists with no memory of the previous 3 years. To this date, the Cleavland Browns believe that the date is actually 3 years prior. This has made scheduling somewhat difficult.


d) The Pittsburgh Steelers

After a long day of working in the steel foundries of Pittsburgh, the hard-working men of the steel industry wanted nothing more than to go home to a nice dinner and a cold beer. It was not to be: they were forced by the cruel masters to engage in sadistic death matches. Although the steel industry is in deep decline, the unfortunate steelers of Pittsburgh are still pitted against unrelenting foes in gladiatorial combat, until their broken bodies are good for nothing but to fuel the foundry fires.


2) Teams of the South

a) The Houston Texans

The Texans are well known for their colorful style of play, such as wearing 10-gallon hats while riding bucking broncos inside gigantic white Cadillac Cars tipped with Longhorn horns. Play at Reliant Stadium is frequently stopped because one of the players has struck oil or possibly because the owner has to frighten away rattlesnakes, coyotes and tornadoes with his six shooters.


b) The Indianapolis Colts

The Colts are a tragic story. During the AFC-NFC war that waged across dimensions, one of the darkest moments was a wizards' duel between Aleister Crowley and Robert Irsay, in which 4 of the Seven Words of Command One Must Not Utter on the Radio were spoke aloud for the first time. Reality shifted, and the Colts disappeared from the city of Baltimore forever, reappearing in Indianapolis. Initially, the team tried to race in the Indy 500, but met with little success and quickly returned to the game of Football.


c) The Jacksonville Jaguars

Andrew Jackson was famed for his daring raids, following the Native Americans into Spanish territory. These raids were repeated for years, long after Jackson died and Florida became a US state. Eventually, tired of the collateral damage caused by the raids, the state of Florida demanded the raids be replaced by football games.


d) The Tennessee Titans

Near the dawn of the 3rd millennium, some humble oilmen of Texas made a shocking discovery: the remains of the Titans, which their children, the Olympian gods, used to build the earth. Filled with the spirit of Saturn, these oilmen headed north to Nashville, in the hopes that the Grand Old Opry would write a fitting tribute to the glory of the Titans from before time.


3. The Teams of the East

a) The Buffalo Bills

The last native herd of American Bison east of the Mississippi was traditionally tended only by men named William, called the Buffaloes' Bills. After their charges were hunted nearly to extinction, they wandered destitute, ending up in the city of Buffalo, New York, believing they would find more of the noble Land Cows. Much to their chagrin, they discovered that the city of Buffalo was actually named after a particular breed of chicken known for its flavorful wings. However, they remained in Buffalo. Now, from their hydro-electrical-powered secret laboratory behind Niagara Falls, the remaining Bills are perfecting a hot sauce that captures the grief and pain they feel over the loss of their only true friends, the bison.


b) The Miami Dolphins

It is believed by some that the survivors of Atlantis rode their dolphin steeds to the southern tip of Florida and settled in what would one day be the city of Miami. Now the few remaining Atlantians are shepherded by their king James William Buffett, practicing their ancient warrior traditions and remembering the dolphins, their noble friends.


c) The New York Jets

The New York Jets, aka The New Jersey Nets, are perhaps best known for their involvement in the "Beard of Bees" incident. In 1968, the Jets played an exhibition game against the New York Football Giants. When the Jets sent their kicker Samuel L. Bronkowitz onto the field wearing his traditional beard of bees. The coaching staff of the Giants objected, pointing to NFL rule 8.15.16, which stipulated that no field goal may be kicked by any player wearing a beard of bees. Play stopped for several hours while officials from both leagues discussed the relevant issues. Eventually, it was decided that Bronkowitz would be able to kick extra points and kickoffs, but would have to remove the bees in order to kick field goals. A professional tonsorial apiculturalist was called onto the field to assist Bronkowitz, who made the 37 yard field goal. The Jets went on to win the game, 42-23.


d) The New England Patriots

As the American Revolutionary War wound to a close, several British Loyalist saw the writing on the wall and decided to hide themselves among the populace. The fashioned themselves as "The Patriots of New England," ostensibly a charitable organization, but actually a front for British Aristocrats hoping to restore the British Empire. Their mission continues to this day, under the leadership of Coach William Jeeves, fourteenth Lord of Belinhampshirewick, and Thomas Wiltonshirethwick-Bradthwait IV.


4. Teams of the West

a) The Denver Broncos

High above the city of Denver battle the brave Broncos. After generations of living and playing at high altitudes on the mountain slopes, the Broncos have developed larger lung capacity and tough, gripping feet that give them a significant home-field advantage.


b) The Kansas City Chiefs

In the mid twentieth century, human resources department across the country began noticing the growing problem of an excessively large chiefs/Indians ratio. In order to correct this problem, the SHRM created the Chiefs' Reservation outside of Kansas City, MO. The football team that came out of this system was, quite naturally, somewhat topheavy in its organizational structure. They are, for example, the only team that traditionally fields 11 quarterbacks at one time.


c) The Oakland Raiders

The itinerant people known as the Riders were a scourge to Northern England starting around the 16th century. Like many other peoples with no fixed homes, such as the Roma, the Riders faced persecution and distrust everywhere they went. Unlike the Roma, however, this treatment was entirely deserved, since the Riders made their living solely through grifting. A popular grift was to come to town offering to cook a dish known as "stone soup," trick the populace into contributing their own produce to the pot, then abscond with the delicious stew. Eventually, the Riders were forced to flee. By the 1900s, they had arrived in city of Oakland, where they changed their name to the "Raiders" to avoid notice. Interestingly enough, it is believed by many that the Riders were one of the inventors of modern American Football. It is said that sometimes, when the Riders were caught perpetrating one of their confidence tricks, they would agree to repay the damages if their marks could defeat them in a game of football. The Riders would quickly grab the football and run it into the goal, claiming to have scored six points by doing so. This behavior most certainly led to the Riders' eventual exile.

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