Hello, friends! We are back from hiatus and due to the UHG disappearing unexpectedly this weekend, I've decided to keep us in real-time and just do a monster post today, based on the notes I've taken since Thursday.

Strap yourselves in for SECRETS & LIES and a SHIT TON of snooping and sleuthing.

A note about the TW - I've buried the actual description of the event, which is relevant to actual UHG events behind a link to a post on my personal blog - you can read this post without it pretty well, but some parts will make more sense with the full story, and that is the only reason i've described it at all.

Backing up to Wednesday night, Mr. Beaver apparently found a small bit of evidence that UHG is going through our stuff. We keep a Solution Jar (I might have mentioned this on GT before?) in order to encourage solution-making in SmallBeaver and discourage complaints, which I personally cannot abide. We record each and every solution she comes up with throughout the year, and then read them aloud together on New Year's Eve. Anyway, last year's batch were sitting in an envelope marked Solutions 2013 about six feet up on a big bookshelf in the living room - and Mr. Beaver noticed that it had been slightly displaced and the flap was open. There's no way I would have noticed this, but (born sleuth that he is!) he began looking around - and he also found a card from my mother in a book she sent him had been opened and moved. Both items were too high up for SmallBeaver to have been looking at them, so... we confirmed Low Grade Snooping on the part of UHG.

Thursday morning she again left without saying goodbye, after sleeping in weirdly late. Bonus - the clinic where she claimed to be working apparently doesn't exist, since Mr. Beaver is enjoying his role as private investigator and did some more sleuthing. The closest clinics of the rehab variety are NOT within walking distance like she says - they are more like 20 minutes on the transit. WHERE DOES SHE GO?

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I ask this question in particular because she came home AGAIN surprisingly early on Thursday afternoon, just after I returned from dropping SmallBeaver off at dance. I was a bit late because I witnessed a horrible incident on the way home, which I'll only describe here (TW abuse) because it relates to something that came later, and I was quite rattled. UHG waltzed in, and demanded to know why I couldn't take a break to talk (I was very behind on work, since the incident took some time.) I briefly described the experience to her, and told her I needed to work. She left me alone after that, thankfully.

Later, I went to pick up SmallBeaver, driving this time, because on later nights she's often really too tired to walk home. When I got to the studio it was raining and there wasn't anywhere close by to park. I had some time, so I decided to zip home and get her rain jacket - on my way to SmallBeaver's room, I glanced into my office, and it was clear that UHG had TURNED ON MY COMPUTER - and this is not me being paranoid, I know this for sure. She was "in the bathroom" across from the office, but had clearly just scuttled in there when she heard me on the stairs. My computer is a few years old, and is getting cranky. If left idle for more than a few minutes, all programs hang, so I shut down religiously even if I'm only going downstairs to make some tea. My sad computer also takes a while to start up - and it was just finishing the start up cycle as I walked past it. I do have a password on my profile so there was literally nothing for her to see, but I just shut it off and commented aloud, "Oh, that's weird, it didn't shut down correctly."

This next bit may also need a TW, so just to be sure: TW discussion of abuse.

When I went back to pick up SmallBeaver, I talked to her about what I'd seen earlier and how I handled it because I want her to grow up with the expectation that adults take action. I also took the opportunity to talk to her about how hard it can be to speak up about abuse - because kids very often trust the adults around them, and make the assumption that whatever is happening to them is normal. Anyway, it was a brief and quite wonderful conversation and I'm glad we had it.

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We got home to find that UHG had been following Mr. Beaver around the house again: as he did laundry, patronized the downstairs bathroom and put dishes away. She apparently told him a long story about how she "healed" someone during the day and how amazing it felt. It involved freezing a person's muscle - so, uh, yay for correctly inserting a needle after YEARS of medical training?

She told the healing story AGAIN for our benefit, when SmallBeaver and I sat down for her supper. The best part was SmallBeaver lighting up and saying, "Mum helped someone today, too!" Y'all should have SEEN UHG'S FACE. She got that pinched look where her mouth virtually disappears up her nose, there was a sharp intake of breath and she shot me the DARKEST look. More on that later.

She was out again Thursday night with MEB - and back home at the exact same time as Wednesday night, when she'd claimed to have gone to the (very expensive) play. Something tells me MEB has a certain window some evenings - and UHG comes back back directly after he turns into a pumpkin.

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Friday she went to "work" late in the morning and was back early afternoon. She essentially stole SmallBeaver and took her out for a bit, since she had unfortunately finished all her schoolwork (I OBVIOUSLY need to step up the workload!) While they were out, they went to a bakery, and a toy store. At the toy store, UHG apparently checked up on SmallBeaver's reading skills and asked her a million questions - SmallBeaver said the outing seemed like it was one long test. She also commented that UHG talked to her like she was a baby the whole time. She haaaaaaates that.

When they got back, SmallBeaver asked if she could have her macaron (from the bakery expedition) right away, and that was fine, but I said I'd save mine for later. UHG was NOT having that - I quote: "I'm not leaving the kitchen until Mummy eats her macaron." I ate it just to get away from her, and to be fair, it was actually lovely. (Earl Grey macarons - who knew?)

Friday evening she went to her brother's place to say goodbye. We didn't see her again until Sunday when she showed up to pack to go away overnight to... DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN... yet another "Practice Boards Exam", two hours out of town, three (minimum) by bus. Now, this isn't where she went, clearly - that kind of thing doesn't get arranged over the weekend, last minute. WHERE DID SHE GO? (Please speculate)

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My money's on MEB having a business trip. They haven't been able to spend a whole night together... and she's leaving (YES, MR. DISCONNECTED, SHE IS LEAVING) on Tuesday afternoon.

Anyway, before she split, she was careful to pull me aside and lecture me on having talked to SmallBeaver about the incident from Thursday. I quote: "You know, I didn't have time to talk to you about this earlier, but I feel like I need to. As a physician..."

AS A PHYSICIAN! Ha. (Sorry, back to her speech, which now I'm paraphrasing - I only remember the first part verbatim.)

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The upshot is that she feels (AS A DOCTOR) that it is too scary to talk to children frankly about such things because it might cause them to a) have nightmares and b) see abuse when it's not really happening.

I'll just let that sink in for a bit because I am speechless.

But I'll end on a hilarious note. She'll be back around 6pm tonight and she wants me to drive 45 minutes to get to our favourite indian food place, wait for the food (it's takeout only) and then drive 45 minutes back with it, because she's, and I quote, "been waiting for us to get that delicious indian food ALL MONTH." (She had it one time when she was here for one night a few years ago.)

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SmallBeaver has dance until 8pm tonight, and I always bring her supper at 6pm during her break. So the only way this takeout plan can be accomplished is if I drop the kid off, come home and work, bring supper to the studio at 6, come back home and work some more, and then Mr. Beaver picks the kid up at 8, while I drive to the restaurant and bring home dinner after SmallBeaver goes to bed. SmallBeaver would frankly kill us all if she knew we were getting indian food without her, so this plan is NOT HAPPENING.

Mr. Beaver is planning to "work late", thereby scuppering the plan. He is VERY excited to disappoint the UHG.

ETA - Shit! Shit! Shit! I forgot to write about the test! I did a test on Thursday afternoon: How Horrible Is She Really? Here it is!

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UHG: I need to ask a favour.
Me: Ask away!
UHG: Could you drive me to the airport on Tuesday afternoon?
Me: Oh, sorry, no - I can't take off work for that long.
UHG: Well, the transit is a long way and not very convenient.
Me: I know - I'm sorry it's so awful.
UHG: I don't know what I'll do. I was counting on you being able to drive me.

And this is where the (expensive) experiment popped into my head. It's $60 to the airport in a cab, and I had recently found $60 in a pair of jeans - I thought I'd lost it - and it was sitting on my dresser. In a flash, I wondered if she would take it if I offered it.

Me: Here - they have a flat-rate by cab. Take this, and this will be me, driving you to the airport:
UHG WITHOUT HESITATION AND ZERO PRETENCE: Thanks!

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It was expensive, but in my mind, I was so, so happy I did it, and I still am. Friends, she isn't oblivious, she isn't a good person in disguise, she is OFFICIALLY AWFUL.

UPDATE #2

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MEB is on a business trip RIGHT NOW - he replied* to a friend this morning who was asking him when he's back. Apparently it's "been too long, buddy!"

*ETA replied on Facebook. Eeep that would help.