Welcome To The Bitchery

The Unwanted Houseguest, Vol. 16 UPDATE

Hello, friends! Well, today is the day the UHG leaves us forever. Hilarifyingly, her plane departs in less than three hours and I'm not actually sure where she is. Her stuff is still here, so I'm anticipating quite a Dramatic Race To The Finish for our Saga.

While we wait for that... I'll recap last night, which was a night of revelations, to say the least. I sent UHG the indian-food-isn't-happening text right before dropping SmallBeaver off at dance - I really wanted to get out in front of her updates on her ETA back in town from her "exam." That proved to be a wise precaution, since she was back from her (alleged) exam earlier than expected, and a great deal earlier than the early evening train from [Town] would allow. But that's ok, because as we previously established, she really went away with MEB for one final night of (ew) passion and they clearly rented a car for the occasion.


As I walked in the door from delivering SmallBeaver's dinner at the studio, I knew I was for it - her "hello" was throaty and strained and she had clearly been crying. Because I am not (a total) ingrate, I asked if she was feeling well on my way upstairs to do a little more work before it would be time to pick SmallBeaver up from dance. UHG followed me upstairs (naturally!) and began what I can only describe as a 5-Tissue Tale: throwing caution to the wind, they went away together on Sunday, knowing it would be All They Had, For The Rest Of Their Lives. Their time together was sad and beautiful - like a (and I quote,) Shakespearean love story come to life. OH, BUT THERE WERE SO MANY TEARS! I made all the appropriate noises, but I imagine my face tried a number of different expressions on its journey to "neutral". I'm hoping it may have ultimately come off looking like I was moved by the story, rather than fighting back the LOLZ.

Anyway, they apparently said their goodbyes, vowing to always love each other from afar. Except, of course, when they're flirting over text and email, because THEY AGREED THAT WOULD BE PERFECTLY APPROPRIATE FOR PEOPLE IN THEIR SITUATION.

Moving on. By this point, I had to go pick up SmallBeaver from dance, so I left, assuring her we could talk later.


When we got home, SmallBeaver was pretty upset because some asshat had stolen her umbrella, and she went upstairs alone to calm down. (Yep, she likes to manage her own feelings.)

I didn't find this out until Mr. Beaver told me later, but apparently, upon hearing SmallBeaver moping up the stairs, UHG scooted out to Mr. Beaver and said, "I have a gift for her - would now be a good time?"


HAHAHA YES. Bribe the kid into smiles - WHAT AN EXCELLENT STRATEGY, YOU REALLY ARE THE MOTHER OF THE YEAR. Mr. Beaver just said flatly: No, it wouldn't. She brought "the gift" upstairs 10 minutes later, and deployed it (it's a cool medical thing - measures mobility of joints - it's actually a great gift for SmallBeaver.) But THEN she comes into my office and says, "it was $13, can I just take that from the change bowl? I noticed there's probably enough."


We had agreed to grab burritos for dinner (YES I LIKE BURRITOS VERY MUCH) after SmallBeaver's bedtime, so when the time came, she and I set off together while Mr. Beaver (who returned right-on-time to be too late to pick up SmallBeaver) grabbed a few moments of precious UHG-free time, no doubt to visit the blessed bathroom in peace.

So the two of us went out and ordered the burritos, and as I moved toward the till, UHG hung back - you guessed it friends, she was going to just LET ME PAY FOR HER MEAL, AFTER STAYING IN MY HOUSE FOR A MONTH. I looked at the cashier, paused, and said, "Just the two bowls, please."


UHG then steps forward and says, "Hey, BB, I'm sorry, but I forgot my wallet." WTF!!!!! Dudes, I keep getting blindsided by her - just WAT. So I paid, obviously - I dearly love the folks at the burrito place, and I will clearly be telling them ALL ABOUT UHG next week.

We drove back in near silence, and Mr. Beaver tried valiantly to keep the conversation going, but UHG was mopey due to her "breakup" and I was too Loki to fucking keep it going. That guy is the best, that Mr. Beaver.


This morning, we only saw her briefly. She got up when SmallBeaver and I were already hard at the schoolwork - and I'm not proud of this, but when I heard UHG moving around, we finished the boring cursive we had been doing and switched to DERIVING ALGEBRAIC FORMULAS FROM WORD PROBLEMS. FUCK YOU, LADY, I'LL SHOW YOU REAL (INTELLECTUAL) POWER!


So she's still not back and her plane leaves in 2 hours. Hm.

UPDATE: She evidently called the cab while she was out! She arrived back just now, took her stuff out of the bathroom and less than ten minutes later, while tearfully expressing that I am the BEST FRIEND EVER (?!) SHE GOT INTO A TAXI, AND WAS GONE.


Please do celebrate with me in the comments. You know what to do...

Share This Story

Get our newsletter