Good morning, and apologies for the wait - work stuff, etc. Today heralds an interesting change of perspective for our illustrious guest - one i had not anticipated: things might get a little weird from here on out.
As planned, last night I unveiled The Great Shower & Laundry Schedule. Allow me to recap for your reading pleasure:
Me: Since your schedule is so erratic, could you fill in your wake-up/shower times for the next week? I understand you might not know your hours much farther than that, but I think we need to get organized. Also, I've marked the nights we're doing family laundry so it doesn't conflict with your stuff. I left Wednesday nights/ all day Thursday for you, since you don't have work.
UHG: Really, why?
Me: With only one shower, mornings can be tricky if we don't plan. Mr. Beaver also needs to get out to work on time, and he needs to know which days it makes more sense for him to get up earlier or when he can sleep in a little.
UGH: You're kind of a robot, you know. Like, you made a SPREADSHEET to handle showers and laundry! [Laughs derisively in my face.]
Me: I still need to you fill this out.
UGH: Yeah, ok. But seriously, I can't believe a person can be this anal about something as dumb as this.
Me, internally: FUCK OFF, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE AND WHERE IS MY HELMET AND SCEPTRE? HAHAHAHA YOU SUCK.
So that went well enough - she filled it out. Kind of - more on that later...
I was pretty busy with work last night, but she requested I come down to say hello to her kids via Skype. I hadn't met the younger one, and I hadn't seen the older one since he was a baby, so I thought, "Why not?" and took a break.
Guess what? The entire thing was a performance designed to show me how smart her kids are. Uhhh, dude - you're a doctor, Mr. UHG is also a doctor - I get that your kids are going to be bright. Among other things, I was treated to the 5 y/o counting to fifty (jeepers that takes a long time!) and the 3 y/o saying "hello" in French. I bet after a while Mr. UHG must have been wondering what the hell was going on, because UHG just kept on adding things to the program. It was... weird and pretty uncomfortable, but y'all will be so proud of me, I made all the right noises, said all the right things, and did not laugh inappropriately one single time.
I eventually fled back to the office. She came up later, ready to rehash the brilliance of her children - which I'm generally fine with, since my kid is herself a little different and frankly, aside from y'all I can't really talk about her freely. BUT I WAS SO BUSY WITH WORK. And she clearly didn't understand - just stood there talking about years-old milestones while I frantically finished up jobs needed for the morning.
She left after a bit, but the conversation had a weird, parting coda:
UHG: You know, you really are the complete opposite of my SIL.
Me: Oh, really?
UHG: Yeah. She is so focused on appearance, and you really don't give a shit.
Me: Ha, well that's true.
UHG: You could care just a little bit more, you know. It might help.
Me, internally: HOLY FUCK LADY DO YOU NOT SEE MY LIFE? I AM A LITTLE BUSY AS IS EVIDENCED BY ME TRYING TO WORK AT 11PM! PLUS I AM A GOD, YOU DULL CREATURE!*
In the morning, she blew the shower schedule out of the water because she neglected to write down that she's doing an extra day at the clinic today. She is a genius, clearly.
Oh, and she denied breaking the knob off the range hood altogether, in spite of the evidence.
I will be frantically working this afternoon, but will return as soon as humanly possible. Have at it, friends! Have we officially reached Resentment, Phase I?
*Oops, my Loki is showing.