I am - according to cursory and wholly unscientific perusal of my FB feed - the last woman I know not to have a child. It has been made clear to me on several occasions that as a non-mother, I am allowed to express (or even hold) exactly zero opinions on children, childhood, parenting, or wise life choices.

(I swear, if one more person says to me, "oh, you'll only understand once you have a child," I will be incarcerated for the first ever murder-by-Sophie.)

So when FB friends post "conversations" among their children that are clearly fabricated, or photos of a four year old with a pacifier, it takes ever ounce of self control not to open a can of NOPE on them.

Just once, please, can I be a judgy asshole about parents? They make me crazy with their condescension and foolery, I just wanna ream them so, so badly. No, it isn't okay to change your kid's diaper and not wash your hands. No, it isn't okay to stop watching your own kid at a birthday party just because there are other adults there. No, you should not take it as an offense that I don't want to hold you kid. And yes, I do stellar impressions of Serious B. Crumb AND Chewbacca, but that doesn't make me babysitter of the year material while you go drink the bottle of wine I brough to this party.

You can tell me what an asshole I am in the comments. Or - preferably - commiserate.