Welcome To The Bitchery

You all like this stuff right? I've never watched The Walking Dead or cared enough to pay attention to what people were saying about it. Everyone seems to love it but I'm just so over the zombie thing. There is literally nothing more they can do with the genre and the whole virus-takes-over-the-world-with-few-survivors thing is so old. The only interesting zombie storyline I've seen in recent years was The Fades and it got cancelled =(

What I do know about The Walking Dead:

  • There's comics. Are they based off of the show or is the show based off of them? Dunno.
  • It's about zombies. Duh. Most likely with a virus plot and not an actual rising dead plot.
  • There's some kid named Carl. His name is shouted a lot throughout the show. I remember people making jokes about this once.
  • I think there's a guy with an eye patch or whatever.

So that's what I know going in. Join me on an adventurous ride through a television show based off of the world's most predictable genre: the zombie apocalypse!


All right, we start off with some guy in the ugliest cowboy cop hat I have ever seen.

He's walking. Ah, I see where the "walking" in Walking Dead comes from.

I'm getting bored. It hasn't even been a minute and I'm bored.

Literally 5 minutes of cowboy cop wandering around. I WAS FULLY AWARE OF THE PREMISE OF THIS SHOW THERE IS NO NEED TO DRAW THIS OUT! The world is full of zombies, we get it, can we at least get some kind of character development here? Who are you cowboy cop? Who are you on the inside? Besides zombie chow.


Now there's a little girl who is obviously a zombie and cowboy cop is being a dumbass and talking to it. I don't like you cowboy cop. You're dumb and your hat is dumb.

Smash cut to the opening theme right after cowboy cop shoots baby zombz in the head. How original.


So now two cops are chatting like it's whateves. Is that one cowboy cop? I can't tell if he's not wearing the hat.

I really don't care about this hick's GF, thanks for the metaphor about electricity and lights or whatever.


FIRST MENTION OF CARL by the cop that may or may not be cowboy cop.

=( cowboy cop's lady love was mean to him booooooo

This show is 10 minutes in and there are still credits showing up. NOBODY CARE'S ABOUT THE DP OR WHATEVER and I say this as a former film student


Trans Am car chase! I was not paying attention to why this is happening but at least I don't have to hear any more about turning lights on and off.

RIP Trans Am, what a waste of a good car. Who's in there?? Zombies?? Do the zombies drive????


Nope. Just some rando now he's dead. RIP Trans Am shooter. Oh there's another! He shot cowboy cop Carl's dad who's name I still haven't picked up! RIP cowboy.

Oh I guess cowboy cop's not dead. Okay.


The passage of time symbolized by dried up flowers. Maybe you and the flowers are not so different cowboy cop.


I like this beard. I hope he keeps the beard.

Um, catheter? CATHETER!

Also, can we just make a note of how cliche it is to wake up in a hospital after a zombie apocalypse? Could they have at least tried a little bit to come up with an original plot?


"DON'T DEAD OPEN INSIDE" hurr hurr hurr.

From the looks of it, zombies were already in this part of the hospital. Why the fuck is cowboy cop still alive? He was literally a zombie feast for the taking, there is no plausible reason why everyone else in this hospital is dead and he's not.


Random thought: did they have to employ fly wranglers for the flies in this scene?

Another random thought: who was the person who wrapped up all these corpses? Wouldn't it be a more efficient use of your time to burn the bodies or something? Wouldn't that also prevent these corpses from zombifying?


I'm 20 minutes into this show and all that's happened is beardo cowboy cop stumbling around half naked. Seriously put some pants on cowboy!

He manages to steal a half-corpse's bike and then rides it like 12 feet to his house.




Why is he still not wearing pants? Now we're introduced to a black man and his son squatting in the cowboy abode.

Aaaaaaand here's the exposition nobody needed because we are all very well versed in zombie lore. Like if I woke up in a hospital and suddenly noticed it had been a zombie apocalypse I'd be like "I got this" and find the nearest gun or whatever.


I should point out he is still not wearing pants.

I have a hunch black dude is gonna die because he is black and this show seems to rely on very old tropes.


So they go to the police station because there's guns. And now they all shower. Okay I guess that's something one might want during an unending zombie apocalypse. NO DON'T SHAVE COWBOY COP! =(

And now he's wearing that stupid hat again. Fuck your hat cowboy cop!

Something something black dude goes back to the house and starts shooting rando zombies for some reason and cowboy is just staring at that half-corpse from before.


And this goes on for at least 2 minutes.

Black dude can't shoot his wiiiife. Saaaaaaad

I should care. But I don't.

There is a weird steady cam zoom on cowboy in the rear view mirror of his car that I do not understand.


Okay so cowboy radios whoever. His friend from before about the light switches is there. I'm guessing one of these bitches is cowboy's wife or whatever.

Oh snap cowboy's wife be fuckin his friend! Daaaaamn!

Finally there's Carl.

More fly wranglers were needed as cowboy cop finds a dead body in a random house. Or maybe they're just really convincing CGI flies.


He finds a horse that miraculously is not dead or starving. Neat.


So I guess he rode the horse to Atlanta or whatever. I'm guessing major cities are not the smartest place to adventure off to in a zombie apocalypse because people tend to be there and people turn into zombies. But that's just a guess.


RIP horsey =(

Aaaaand he's trapped in a tank.

Ooooh someone knows he's there.

And scene.

Is this show supposed to be good?

Or is there some sort of hilarious satire I'm missing?

I don't even think I have anything funny to say. How has this gone on for 4 seasons?



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