TW: depression

I’ve been attempting to write about my therapy appointment for a couple days now. I’d think about what I wanted to say and think to myself “fuck it. Who cares?” I know that is my depression talking, that there are plenty of people here who do care and find my posts helpful. So I’ve decided to try and focus on that. The only consideration I can offer to others is in the form of “trigger warnings.” I wish that was enough for everyone.

So about that therapist appointment… It went really well. I’m feeling extremely positive about her. A pretty major coincidence: She had a baby 3 days before the peep was born. A part of me is super thrilled because she will know exactly how I’m a feeling to an extent but the depressed part of me wants to compare my every move to what she thinks/feels. I assume she must be judging me even though she never really judged me. We talked about my past therapy appointments a bit and she seemed surprised that my old therapist never really gave me “homework” officially. This one did. A lot. She told me not to worry about doing it all but that I should try to pick a couple things. They were all very good suggestions but I can’t seem to make myself commit.
1) Research PPD – which I have done so that is easy
2) when I wake up early tell myself “I just need to rest” instead of reaching for my phone or thinking “sleep, sleep,sleep.”
3) Stop comparing myself
4) spend 10 minutes a day playing with the peep
5) call my friends to talk about whatever.

I’ve been pretty good at number 1 and 2. I still wake up too early but I’ve been better about being able to fall back asleep fairly quickly. I’m still exhausted in the mornings. I’ve been too depressed to force myself to interact more with the peep than I have too. That feels really shitty to admit. This has been a rough week for me. The big bird is on call this week and had to take one last night so I did feed her an entire jar of applesauce, her bottle, got her in her pjs but I felt SO stressed afterwards. Number 3 is just impossible I think. It’s my personality or something. I can’t not compare myself to others. And I somehow always manage to see the best in everyone else but the absolute worst in myself. I’m sure that’s pretty common, to focus on the negative. I’m actually afraid of #5. At first I told my therapist I didn’t want to call and talk about all my problems. She told me “so don’t. Just talk about whatever.” I admit that makes the task less daunting but it’s still giving me major anxiety thinking about it.

We’re heading over to my hometown for my g’ma’s birthday Saturday and spending the night. It should be nice, my mom will be there, my favorite aunt. And I love my g’ma and seeing her interact with the peep is good. The peep makes my g’ma so happy. I’m hoping I’ll be in a better mood from being with my family all weekend so I think I’ll try to call my BFF on Sunday. I see the therapist again on Thursday. I’m looking forward to it but so tired of dealing with this at the same time.