I started seeing a counselor/therapist this past February, when I finally admitted that my anxiety and seasonal depression were out of control. I’ve continued to see her even when the seasonal stuff waned away, because I realized it was really good for my mental health to have a safe space and an unbiased and uninvolved person to talk things through with. I’m a verbal processor, so talking through my feelings is really necessary, but I hate feeling like I’m just dumping on my friends.
So, yesterday was my second of two appointments a month (the max my university allows), and our second-to-last appointment. Since it’s through the university and I’m graduating on the 15th, I don’t think I’ll be allowed to continue seeing her after, although I should probably clarify that during our next appointment.
Yesterday was crazy busy — job interview in the morning, massive group review session right after, then therapy, then a social outing, so my therapy hangover is particularly terrible right now. Usually I leave therapy and cry some more and work through things we talked about in my head like playing with worry stones when I’m alone. I definitely have had that “tears behind my eyes” feeling where I could cry but I don’t really have a reason to do so since I left, and I feel pretty emotionally tired. It’s good, like the weakness/tiredness after exercise, but I definitely try to plan for it now since I know it’s coming.
We touched on some things that are honest, legitimate feelings that I feel bad for feeling. It’s been a step to admit that it’s ok to feel these things in the first place, so progress? They mostly stem from the fact that most of the people in my program, while “poor” graduate students now (and some struggle from financial choices prior to law school), come from much more privileged backgrounds from me and have fallbacks and safety nets that I can’t even consider, and how this ties in to other issues I have about overworking myself and judging my achievements more harshly. It’s hard for me to admit that I resent their privilege sometimes, because I know I have certain privileges that my economically privileged friends didn’t, and I know plenty of people who have less than I do.
Apparently this conversation gave my therapist an epiphany about how all my issues tie together. I don’t see it. I really just want her to tell me so I can see it too, but our session ended and we had to wrap up before digging into it. I really don’t want to be done with therapy in two weeks, especially because it took some time to build up the trust relationship and because my therapist knows my history, but I don’t really think I’m allowed to continue once I graduate. I’ve really been looking forward to my appointments because I can vent and I don’t need to worry about what someone else is going to think of me, and it’s been really healthy to have that place to work through things. I’d love to go every week but the health center just can’t handle that volume, especially when I’m not in crisis.
Aaaaand that’s my ramble, folks. I’d welcome any comments or conversation or personal experiences in the comments, but mostly I just needed to “talk” some of these leftover feels out.