Turns out I kinda still need therapy. After a really rough couple weeks where I dreamed of suicide daily I saw my psychiatrist who urged me to check into inpatient. She asked me why I didn't want to so I told her I was scared. She made an appt to see me a week later and encouraged me to get an appt with a therapist there. I did.
I hate to be so optimistic but so far I like him. I thought I'd have issues with a male therapist but he's been the easiest to talk to by far. After an overwhelming first week where I tried to make a million changes at once I saw him again. He was encouraging, he was kind, he talked a lot which I appreciated. He said he was trying to build up my trust by getting to know him. My old therapist despite us having children born one day apart never talked about her personal life.
So I'm continuing with the changes I have to make. I've been eating better, taking vitamin D supplements, drinking more water, and attempting to "stay in my own business". This week I want to continue all of that but better, I got my treadmill set up so I hope to get into a daily routine. We bought crayons and paper so I can color. I'm supposed to do child-like things so I've been singing in my car and really playing with my daughter. I'm going to try to make smoothies with kale. We ran out of weed and since everyone has been urging me to quit I'm going to give it a real shot this time. The running will replace part of it but I've also really started enjoying cooking for my family and I've been spending some time most evenings cross stitching.
I'm basically writing this to let you all know I'm trying really hard to avoid going inpatient. My therapist saw how scared I was and he said if I worked really hard I could avoid it. He wants me to do guided imagery and affirmations. I don't know why I'm so resistant but I avoid them because thinking about it causes me to panic. He insists it will be awkward at first. I don't see him until the end of the month now so I guess I have a few weeks to work on it.