We were supposed to go to therapy tonight, but apparently the therapist is sick and they don't know when she'll return. I'm angry and hurt and completely freaking out.
I'm only realising now that my emotional state, my future, my ability to make choices, are all carefully balancing. Just waiting to topple over. I was counting on tonight. I was actually looking forward to it. I was hoping it would provide me with some clarity. Which I desperately need.
Clarity for what? For my next step. This weekend I got to stay at my old house and it was quite honestly amazing. I missed that place so much as I was gone and I could imagine myself being there again, with him. But only if I could see some progress. When we talk with just the two of us we always end up going in the same circles, getting nowhere. But therapy can help there. If it's enough, I won't know for another few months. But it could help me decide whether it'd be enough to try again. To move back in together and say goodbye to the room that I have set up.
Why is this relevant? Because the room is opening up THIS WEEK. Although I know most will say "just take the room and see what happens later" but moving out all of my stuff, taking away my rent and other financial support away from 'us' as a couple is a BIG move. One that almost certainly will mean that we won't go to therapy, that we won't try again. So it's a bit of a crossroads.
Therapy would give me more of an input about whether or not couples counseling would be good for _me_ (as well as us) and therefor if I wanted to choose to try to keep going. Next thursday I'm supposed to meet up with my future roommate and have a schedule ready for when I move in.
I feel pressure from all sides and all I need is less press pressure. Air to breath and heal. This is no interest of the person I'll move in with, she just needs a roommate she can trust and who'll pay rent. And although boyfriend/ex-boyfriend wants to give me space, moving out is so much space he doesn't know how to work on fixing us if I'm so far away. Plus if I am away, how will I know if the day to day is actually getting better?
I needed this introduction session to see how talking with another person would go. I know it'd mean nothing YET. But it'd help me figure out the next step.
They offered me a set of options for her coworker. Her name is Katinka. I mean really? On her bio she looks like a lovely girl to have a drink with, or talk about makeup with, or superfoods, her PASSION. Which just makes me want to punch her in the mouth. UGH. She's supposed to be trained in EFT, like her colleague, but I just don't know...
I know I'm overreacting but I'm freaking out about this. I can't talk to anyone because everyone is sick of me by now. I told boyfriend/exboyfriend I was freaking out, he told me to try to relax and that we'd try and find someone else. I asked him if he could call around, he told me he'd try in between his meetings today (monday is meetings day, he's management). My initial response was to freak out more and to tell him to just forget about it, I'll handle it AGAIN and maybe lets forget about the whole thing. I know that's childish. But sitting in the toilet at work crying has gotten me pretty low. All I want to do right now is run home and cry my eyeballs out. I don't know if I can do this. I was scared to begin with but I had some form of 'well we can give it a shot'. But now... I don't know... I needed this thing to happen TODAY. Wednesday feels like a world away at this point.. Even if I can get over the fact that we'll be talking to Katinka.
I don't know what to do. I'm freaking out. I don't want to be like this at work. I LIKE work, I even told my boss about therapy and he was all "oh thats great!". But I'm just sitting here with a huge scowl or teary eyed and it's just horrible. What do I do?
TLDR : Therapist is sick, the replacement seems like a stupid girl, freaking out about this because I needed this thing to make my next decision, I don't want to cry in the bathroom at work, halp.