When you choose a song to sing at karaoke, and 2.5 seconds after they hand you the mic, you realize you do not know ANY of the words to this song you thought was one of your favorites. You are reading the stupid lyrics on the screen, and they are literal jibberish. Are they even English words? Do you speak English? Unclear.

And then there's a glitch in the space-time continuum, causing your 4 minute song to drag on for several hours, which you spend attempting to achieve maximum invisibility despite being on an actual elevated stage with a spotlight beaming down on you like the wrath of God.

By the second verse, nobody in the audience can make eye contact with you, because witnessing your humiliation is causing them physical pain.

When you finally finish, you are 99% emotionally ravaged and 1% pleased that it isn't actually possible to die of humiliation. You can't even go home yet, because you need to stay for at least one more song so it isn't completely obvious that you are in full-fledged, panicked retreat mode. The person after you has it good, though. They could sing Sarah McLachlan and people would eat that shit up.

...This was all to say that I was absolutely not at that party last weekend, I did not pick Kokomo by the Beach Boys (why??), and I did not make singing sounds come out of my mouth, because: A) I was busy that night, B) I've never heard of music, and C) I don't have a mouth.

However, I would greatly appreciate it if you'd throw me your go-to karaoke staples, because I am making a list on my phone for posterity.

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*No Beach Boys, please.