TW: anxious train of thought, talk of rape, racism.
First: I went to see a therapist last week. It was awful. Right off the bat, she asked me about medication. When I said I wasn't quite ready to go that route, she pursed her lips. At one point, she asked me if I was in a relationship, I said no, she asked me "for how long?," and I said "...ever?" She wrote something down in her clipboard while she made a more polite version of this face:
I told her about my job, which I love, and how even though it's an overnight shift and I'm a temp, I'm doing what I feel I need to be doing and if I weren't doing it, I'd be even worse off. Later, she made a comment like "well, there are obvious things you could be changing [ie your job] but you obviously don't want to change them so..." and then she shrugged. Then she handed me a bunch of worksheets and homework, didn't explain them or how they could help, didn't explain her process and sent me on my way.
It was not a good experience. I felt judged and uncomfortable, pressured to take on group counseling sessions and pressured into an appointment with a psychiatrist to talk about medication.
Anyway, the search continues.
So. I'm visiting home. And it's been much-needed (I sat outside on my lawn with a friend yesterday. IN THE SUN! The sun was warm and on my face, there was a breeze and the smell of lemons from our tree). My fuzzbutt of a dog makes me smile and cuddling with him is a balm on my frazzled nerves.
Which are really frazzled.
Shortly after I arrived home, I received an email from a supervisor about something I'd completed that morning. It said I'd made a mistake, and asked if I knew what happened there? I responded with sincere apologies, explained with what I thought the issue was (a slight miscommunication that I had missed), and said I would do better in the future. I believe I was professional and courteous, but being a temp makes me feel like every mistake I make is a black mark against my being hired again. I'm anxious that I'll have made it worse or pissed my supervisor off or something. I don't think I came across as defensive - rather, I explained the issue and how I had failed to catch it with an apology...and I still feel like I did something very wrong? Ack. It's been bothering me all weekend.
My aunts were talking about rape and crime last night (for some reason). The words "blame it on the immigrants" were spoken (which...AUGH, we ourselves are immigrants, good god), along with a steaming pile of other racist horseshit. I had to walk away.
And the reason Miley came up? We heard a Jay-Z song on the radio and she said "So Beyonce performed at the Grammys all sexy, but nobody said anything about it. Miley performed at the VMA and eeeeverybody was just criticizing her left and right. How unfair." (The implication being that Beyonce should also be criticized because her performance was "worse.") I said that, actually, Beyonce's performance has been criticized as being too scandalous and that yes, Miley was shamed for that unfairly but the bigger problem was the minstrelsy that nobody was talking about (I may have used more emphatic language). She shrugged and said "okay, fine" in a tone of voice that said "you're a crazy liberal and I think you're wrong but I won't actually say anything."
And now...I'm just feeling anxious that I've pissed off my mom somehow because I have all these "crazy liberal" ideas now. Because, even though she's conservative and I'm not, I love her to death. I'm anxious that I'm becoming like my dad who tends to talk over her without any real discussion. I'm scared that I'm becoming one of those people that are just like "no, you're wrong" instead of "let's talk about it."
And I'm anxious that I'm not spending enough time with my family, my mom especially. I've made a lot of plans with friends I haven't seen, and my parents seem to be really happy that I'm seeing these people, but I think about it, and it's almost like we're not actually all seeing each other? But we are! But we're not...I don't know. I'm making myself feel guilty, I guess.
I haven't been getting enough sleep, so I think I'm going to take a nap with the dog before our traditional Super Bowl Sunday dinner but I also feel guilty like "maybe I should be out there with them, instead of in my room even though I'm so wound up I wouldn't be good company."