Just some thoughts that are rolling around in my head this morning.
I can go through a breakup that shakes me to my core but still be okay. My life is never going to stop completely or crumble into nothingness forever because my heart gets broken or bruised. I was really upset, but I handled it like an adult. I got up every day. I went to work. I took care of myself. It wasn’t perfect, and I was in a lot of pain, but it got better, and I still did the things I needed to do. Honestly, having this experience has removed a lot of fear I had about being intimate with someone again, because my own personal idea of the worst case scenario ended up coming to fruition, and guess what? I survived. I wasn’t happy but I made the best of it.
I have really, really great friends. I am really lucky to have the support system that I do. I’ve worked hard at creating an inner circle of people that I can depend on, and they came through for me in a big way.
There are some fears related to abandonment that are still active in me that I need to keep an eye out for in relationships. Working to heal this now isn’t even necessarily all about making this current relationship work, but just ensuring that I have more peace and confidence independent of whoever I’m involved with. If my boyfriend and I go our separate ways again, I want to be able to trust myself completely and have faith in the fact that it’s not meant to be instead of automatically jumping to “there’s something wrong with me.”
I think the best thing I can do to ensure that I’m okay no matter what happens, is not walk into anything feeling needy and depleted, and looking to my partner to fill me up. To avoid that, I will keep engaging in things that I love (mentoring others, writing, doing my volunteer work, singing) doing self care effectively (sleeping enough, eating enough, keeping a regular schedule, praying/doing spiritual activities, talking to a counselor, exercising, avoiding sugar, journaling about my feelings) and really putting energy towards connection with other people outside of just my partner. I am an extrovert, and I need relationships with others. Just two or three close friends isn’t really enough for me. I need a variety of people for different needs, and feeling like I’ve got a wealth of support and connection helps keep me from feeling depleted or isolated.
In a lot of ways I am feeling pretty grateful that we spent the time apart that we did, because I don’t think where we were at before was sustainable, and I have a much clearer picture of what I want to work on for myself. I’m just realizing now that I had more of a part in this than maybe I was able to acknowledge or see back then, while being under such intense emotions, like those associated with abandonment. Regardless of whether my guy and I work out right now, it’s something I want to be mindful of. I can forgive myself and understand why I reacted the way that I did, but I want to make sure that I never feel so depleted and closed off from myself again.