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Things I have learned in my recent return to corporate dronery...

Illustration for article titled Things I have learned in my recent return to corporate dronery...

1. When choosing a McDonald's breakfast sammich, don't give in to the urge to experiment. STICK WITH THE FUCKING EGG MCMUFFIN. The sausage mcmuffin's rather fake-tasting "sausage" flavor just detracts, and that "steak and egg bagel" thing? What the hell is that meat?? It's not steak, it's like overseasoned grainy ground beef with some kind of liquid smoke flavoring added, and it's just THROW THE MEAT AWAY AND EAT THE BAGEL AND EGG.


2. When did Burger King get so frickin' ~*fancee*~? I swear, I went to get a chicken sandwich and had a bow-tied maitre d' escort me to my table, a waitress bring me my food on a tray and offer me a selection of condiments, and a head waitress who looked like Janelle Monae in sparkly suspenders and Sally Jessy Raphael glasses keep coming by to ask me if I needed anything. When I left today she was taking pictures with tourists all wearing little paper Burger King crowns. Man, things have changed in two years.

3. Free and abundant coffee is the most important workplace fringe benefit. Fuck health care, I don't need insurance to jump-start my heart at 9 a.m.


4. Related: office coffee technology has improved in leaps and bounds. Instead of a sad, tarry pot in the kitchen cooking slowly down into sludge, there's whiz-bang machine into which you insert little packets of about a dozen different available blends of java (SUMATRAN! FRENCH ROAST! KONA! COLOMBIAN!) and it goes buzz buzz buzz and brews you up one spanking-fresh cup. O brave new world of coffee technology, that has such wonders in't!

5. People are still weird, but mostly nice.

6. I still stress myself out way too much because perfectionists can't be perfect in the first week because no one can be perfect in the first week.


7. I can get by on less sleep than I thought, if there's enough coffee.

8. It all comes down to coffee.

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