Things I want to do today, in no particular order :

- lay in bed

- curl up into a little ball

- drink tea

- drink wine

- cry

- watch bad tv shows (but not the ones that remind me of my recently ended relationship)

- eat chocolate

- pet the cat

Things I do not want to do today (in no particular order) :

- get up

- go to work

- get my period today of all days

- stress out over several work projects at work

- attend a presentation in the light of appril about one of the apps I worked on and be presentable

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- visit two room showings at entirely opposite sides of town and try to 'be liked' so that they'll pick me and I'll have an option on a room, any room (that I almost certainly can't bring my cat to)

Things I am doing today : See list #2.

After watching game of thrones last night and missing out on another (depressingly crapp y) room I got home and cried all night. I am realizing now how financially dependent I was on my ex. I can support myself but I don't have the income to procure adequate housing. I can't find what I want (a room that my bed and clothes fit into, a place I can bring my cat too, within the borders of the city) within the time I have. Plenty of them exist but.. well you need time and luck to get them. So do I live in 'temporary' rooms until I find what I need? Or do I jump into the first room that'll have me and sign on to a year of a crappy place? Effectively giving up.

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I missed him. Deeply. His support, a shoulder to cry on as I struggled through these feelings of disappointment.. And I know it sounds stupid but I don't enjoy my shows as much now that I'm watching them alone.. I couldn't help but wonder.. Am I making a huge mistake? Part of me knows it's even silly to think, I was so at peace with my choice. It felt right. But now it feels all kinds of wrong.. I know this too shall pass. But that doesn't mean it doesn't feel horrible..

Update: The first room was total crap, so tiny my bed wouldn't even fit! The second was absolutely perfect, with two seemingly really sweet roommates in a beautiful home with a decent sized room. It's a bit further out than I hoped for but it seems like such a nice home! (we haven't discussed the cat yet.. but they will make a choice come the end of this week)