Before you ask: No, I am not going to just delete Facebook. I live miles away from most of my family and BFFs and it is a primary way in which we can keep in touch and share pictures and whatnot. Whatever. I don't feel like I have to explain my art to you, Warren.

But having the FB comes with a certain set of annoyances. Here are my favorites, in no particular order:

1. Posting a picture of yourself with a comment like "I look sooooooo weird!" No, you look normal. You're just an asshole with low self-esteem who is fishing for compliments. Fuck off.

2. Posting a picture of your baby EVERY WEEK next to a piece of paper with the number of weeks artfully drawn on it. Most babies are very cute. They do not change appreciably from week to week, so posting such photos just makes me hate you and your stupid baby. Fuck off.

3. The stupid nonsense status updates that are supposed to "raise awareness" for breast cancer or something. Posting "I pooped in my pants" to get people to like and comment on that so you can message them with "GOTCHA!" is so fucking stupid, I sort of wish I had a teleporter so I could hop in it, bleep over to your house, punch you in the face and break your computer, and get home before my coffee gets cold. Fuck off.


4. "Like if you love your son!" Ugh. No. Fuck off.

5. "73% of my friends won't be brave enough to post this. Did you know that literally tens of people are harmed every year by over-toasted toast? Please post this on your wall for at least 1 hour to show your support." No. Fuck off.


6. The abused animal posts. I cannot even deal with these things. Does posting a picture of a dog who has been rescued from a dogfighting ring DO anything? NO, IT DOES NOT. Fuck off.

There are more, but these are the ones that I am mad at today.