• Did you even wear sunscreen? (see also: you should wear more/better sunscreen). Nope. I've only had this skin for a short period of time, so I wasn't aware sunscreen would be very important. I definitely didn't put any on. I am too stupid to wear sunscreen. (Do you realize what I would look like if I actually didn't wear sunscreen??)
  • Lecture about skin cancer. SKIN CANCER? WHAT IS THIS THING YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT? That has literally NEVER crossed my mind! (not to mention you don't have to be a pale to get skin cancer)
  • They say it only takes one bad burn and you're fucked! OH NO! I have that burn RIGHT NOW. Quick - check my moles, Dr. Grocerystoreperson. (yes, this happened yesterday at the store)
  • Oooh, does it hurt (pokes sunburn with finger)? No. It's the only kind of burn that doesn't hurt. Poking it actually makes it feel better.
  • My [insert friend or relative] died of melanoma at only age [young]! Thanks. My [insert friend or relative] died in a car accident at age [young]. My other [insert friend or relative] got [insert scary disease contracted from exact thing you do or characteristic you have] and died at age [your exact age].
  • You should never go to a tanning bed. You know who else shouldn't? Everyone.

So, guys, I got sunburned on my back the other day. I did wear sunscreen, I sweated it off, and by the time I realized I needed a reapply, it was too late. BOOM. Welcome to my life. It's ok. Really.