I'm slowly trying to get back out into the world and do things that I use to do before my life fell apart. Keyword is slowly. I use to be a practising artist and I showed a lot when I was younger (not famous, or paid). I'm getting back into making work and showing it; I do new media stuff. It's been making me feel better.

I signed up for this hacking jam on healthcare and immediately my family took me aside and explained that they thought I shouldn't do it. (Note: I have PTSD from medical trauma and I've done previous jams where I have made stuff about medicine.) They were worried that I'd be upset. That being around doctors would be upsetting for me. That I should try not to think about healthcare at all. That I should do fun things, and this wasn't a fun thing, but an awful thing.

I was honestly stunned. And then really hurt.

I'm not going to the doctor. I'm not being examined. It's not in a hospital (though, I go to the hospital that traumatized me twice a week for DBT). I've even run into one of the doctors who harmed me. I was upset, but I took good care of myself. I've made work about healthcare before. I find engaging and learning about healthcare makes me feel more in control.

And then their concern was followed by

"So what are you gonna do? Make art about how doctors hurt you? Do you think anyone wants to see that?"

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Umm, that's not what I was gonna make. I will make things about that, once I can get a tone that doesn't sound like me screaming at everyone. No one really listens if you are screaming. But if I did, it's relevant to the discourse of healthcare and the problems in the system. Something can be learned from my experience. It isn't doctor bashing but illuminates problems like: cognitive bias, sexism, perfectionist, shame, systems that are too big, communication errors, systemic errors, and I could cover mental health. Or the simple fact that most people have no idea how to navigate through the system and then get thrown under the bus.

I'll probably delete this post, but it really bugged me.

I know I'm an emotional roller coaster, but doing things about what happened makes me feel like I'll heal that hole in myself. I have this idea that if I can spare someone else my pain, then maybe I'll be okay with the fact that my treatment went totally wrong.

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ETA: I'm gonna do it anyway. It was just so surprising that they were so against it.