I have never in my life felt more “less than" then I do now living in Southern California.
I moved out here and did EXACTLY what the fuck I came here to do. I got a job on the bottom floor of a company that was in the industry I wanted to work in and doing exactly what I wanted to do. I was making strides. Hard real strides. It ate me up and it was hard and in the end I got laid off.
I got chewed the fuck up and spit out.
And the last few months of my life have been the realest months of my entire life. Hand to mouth. Compromising. Holding it together for the sake of my sanity. For the sake of shelter and food and a place to fucking sleep.
I did it.
I came out on the other end in a job that drives me fucking crazy and pays me not so fucking well. I have a job that I now know people consider beneath them.
I have it because I need it. I need to live. Just like everyone else.
It’s a beacon. It’s a reality check. It’s forcing me to do better because like hell I want to do this forever and like FUCK i’m going to.
I meet people. I meet people now that I have this job that condescend. Not directly but obviously enough that it burns me up. It kills me.
I don’t address the OBVIOUS fucking privilege that comes with this judgment but it’s there. It will catch up with them.
But i’m left. Left with what I know. That I’m a fire. I keep lighting up for myself. I won’t let myself down. I love me so much that I do things that other people are too fucking proud to do.
For me. ME.
I take my breaks where I can get them and I reach out when I want to but I will NOT tolerate being made to feel less than.
Knowing your worth is a dangerous thing. Knowing your worth is a threat.
ANYONE WHO BACKS AWAY FROM YOU BY VIRTUE OF YOU KNOWING WHO YOU ARE DOES NOT DESERVE TO KNOW YOU.
And I just needed to get that off my chest. It feels good.