.

I get the sinking feeling I'm in the midst of a shitstorm a'brewin'.

I posted to you guys about living with my aunt now that I'm a returning college student here a few days ago and well, I think things are about to get much worse. I've been walking on eggshells and being kind of hypervigilant since then, and I'm noticing some scary shit. I think she might have a pretty serious drinking problem.

A few days ago, I was leaving the house for school and found an empty bottle of whiskey that had been mostly full the night before, strewn out in the side yard. The back door was also left wide open. A few days before that, I got home around 11pm and she was passed out in bed already, and thankfully before I went into my room, I saw that she'd left the broiler on in the oven. I have no idea how long it had been sitting on, but the kitchen was sweltering. I've also noticed her going through an entire bottle of wine in one sitting, at minimum three/four times a week. I came home last night around 8pm and she was already passed out, food had been left all over the kitchen counter, and the side door AND garage door were wide open, with the door from the kitchen to the garage ajar.

Also, apparently, my grandmother is really unhappy in her retirement community and wants to come home (to this house, which she owns.) I don't begrudge her that at all, I can understand how hard it must be to be alone 80% of the time, and she's not the type to reach out to people at lunch time or whatever, but she and my aunt have an EXTREMELY toxic relationship. I'm talking yelling, screaming, belittling, nasty, spiteful interactions happening constantly, yet my grandma is telling my aunt to quit her job teaching so that she can care for her full time, in exchange for the deed to the house when she dies.

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Basically the only reason I thought I'd be okay moving in here was because my grandmother moved out into her assisted living/retirement community, and she and my aunt would be separated. I don't see this going well at all if/when she does move back, which, god knows when that could be. It could be next month, it could be next spring, it could be never, but I know for the sake of my own mental health and sanity I can't be here if the two of them share this house again.

Really though, even if she doesn't move back in, I still feel like I need to get the fuck out of here. I didn't have a clear picture of how toxic my aunt is until I moved in. I didn't know her at all really until a few years ago when I established contact. After my dad died in 91, his side of the family wasn't really involved with me in my growing-up years.

I'm just so FUCKING FRUSTRATED. All I have EVER wanted is a stable place to call home, so that I can put my real focus on accomplishing my goals. I moved here so I could go to community college, work on getting a great GPA and eventually transfer out and move the fuck on with my life, instead of scrambling to work full time and support a rent payment and classes on my own. Okay, so, realistically, I know I can take out loans (I don't want to, but maybe I don't have a choice) or I can work full time and just take a class or two per semester but...I'm ready to get through this shit. I'm 25 and feel like it's time to make real progress in my education.

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Part the second:

I posted a couple of times about a not-relationship with a not-boyfriend (we'll call him Tom) that swept me off my feet in a pretty major way. Dude has since moved overseas for work. full post about it here. Last night a mutual friend of ours (we'll call her Cari) met me for coffee (while I was already kind of high strung, and starting to formulate what I might do about my living situation.) Well, Cari got on the subject of Tom, and as we started to talk to each other about our experiences with him, she dropped a bomb. She told me this guy was fucking with her head in the same way as well, along with one other girl that we know of for sure. Cari just didn't realize it at first because there's an age difference between the two of them and she perceived it as an older-brother relationship...until he tried to put the moves on her right before he left. Also, Tom has a girlfriend that lives out of state (we'll call her Sheila.) Cari has a way to get in contact with Sheila, and we are debating letting her know about all of this, with our text messages and phone records to back it up. I just...I don't know.

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I'd like to imagine that Tom gets some horrific strain of drug resistant gonorrhea on his travels, and that I will never have to see him again, but I feel terrible for Sheila. In the part that I played in this whole mess, as well as for the fact that she likely has NO IDEA what's been going on, since her and Tom's relationship was long distance even before he moved overseas. He really played all of us in a way that was so finely tuned it is beyond frightening. Fuck.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to purchase chocolate and some boots I've been eyeballing for a long time, and fuck everything else.