Raccoon drama officially escalated to OMFG I AM AFRAID FOR MY LIFE levels.

Apparently there are TWO raccoon mamas living under my porch. And they both have a couple of babies. And they like to fight over their turf.

I am a dummy so I thought, "Hey, I can go sit on the back porch now because they trust me or whatever yay happy fun times animals blah blah blah!"

Actually I just spent the last five minutes cowering in fear on my back porch wondering if maybe those Jesus people were onto something and HOLY FUCK AM I ABOUT TO DIE BECAUSE IF I AM PLEASE DON'T RIP MY FACE OFF, RACCOON, I WANT AN OPEN CASKET.

I ran inside, again, after pretending I was a statue (nothing to see here, raccoons, stop hissing, ACK)

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I think we should get rid of them, but I want them to not die? That's possible, right?

I am thankful to be alive, in any case. Goddamn.