This week I was so tired I could barely function. It wasn't a normal kind of "I've started a new job after funemployment and time out of the industry and wow it's hard to adjust" but more like "I'm so tired my brain is shutting down and no amount of sleep, caffeine, sugar, exercise or stress management techniques can make this better." Well today I figured it out. It was all transference from a painful dynamic I had with my father growing up that I never resolved. Rather than relive these feelings over and over again, I would shut down, and the way I shut down was with unbearable fatigue. It explains everything about why I've always felt like I had to choose between supporting myself materially or emotionally.
But here's the magic. All the work I've done has lead up to this point. If I had gotten this job a year ago, I wouldn't have been able to deal. I would have gone through the same process, shut down, and it would have been another brick in the wall. But the issue came up for healing when I had the resources to heal it. I recognized something was off and I didn't give in to the dysfunction. I felt secure enough to say "I feel bad right now, but I'm sure I can figure this out and I'll be ok." That's pretty new for me, and it gives me a lot of hope. If I can work out something so huge, that's dogged me my entire life, I feel like I can figure out just about anything.