Here’s a spacer!
Ok. I have a fairly cheerful, upbeat personality and outlook on life. I have wonderful family and friends, and I do not feel “depressed”.
However, it often seems as if I’m the only one outside of my friends dealing with clinical depression and suicidal ideation who thinks about death every day, often multiple times a day. Often they’re little thoughts (“I could die right now” “If someone pushed me in front of this train, how long would it take before I lose consciousness?”) but they’re always accompanied by this intense awareness of my eventual/impending demise and subsequent oblivion.
This doesn’t necessarily bother me in terms of fear, although sometimes fear is very much present. It’s more like an odd sense of vertigo, where I’m too aware of time - knowing this little internal universe won’t exist (isn’t existing) in the future gives the present a sense of illusion.
Is this normal? Anyone else too aware of entropy and mortality?
I promise you I’m not high.
(This is probably my subconscious telling me to find a more interesting job and/or that allusive thing called “purpose”.)