I have been a big ol’ lurker lately. Going thru stuff. But I need to talk to someone tonight, dear Hivemind. To give you some background: So I’ve been hating everything in my life for awhile now. I am in a high-pressure job that I hate and does not let me be creative at all. My husband is in an accelerated grad school program, and has been having his own depression and anxiety issues the past two years. He is better, but still seems to have a lot of anxiety. His sex drive has disappeared, at least that is what it seems like. I have gained probably 20 pounds in the last year, and I was already overweight before, so I am at the heaviest I have ever been, and feeling generally run down and not in shape and shitty about my body. Our sex life has been stop and start, mostly stop, this year. Most of the sex has been at my insistence. We have not had sex since mid-September. (!) Our intimacy is pretty much squat. We watch movies and shows together, and that is pretty much our only alone time together. We both are guilty of being on the internet in the same room instead of spending time together.
I am currently in therapy. Because I am tired of feeling like nothing will ever get better in my life. I finally mentioned the problems in my marriage today (I’ve seen this therapist for about a month and a half), and she said we need to work on one problem in our marriage at a time, and considering I mentioned the sex first, we maybe should start with that. She suggested we make a sex appointment. One pre-agreed to day a week where we have teh sex, so there is no guessing if he’s in the mood or if I’m in the mood or anxiety about what is going to happen next. So I brought this up tonight, and he said it was a reasonable request. But his reaction was, well, less than enthusiastic. He acted like he had to think about it, and was considering it, then said “That is a reasonable request.” Not, “I would love to have sex with you tomorrow night!” Or “That’s a good idea!” or “I’ve been thinking about this too!” It is not helping the feeling that he does not want to spend time with me or have sex with me or touch my ugly fat body. But fuckall, I have needs. And I am only allowed to have sex with him. This is a fucking dealbreaker, right? And how do I not react all hurt and angry that he seems to consider everything logically and intellectually, and emotion does not enter into it? Should I just not take it personal? He is upstairs right now working on schoolwork. The semester is almost over, and he has to get some stuff done during Thanksgiving break and start studying for finals. He is putting a lot of pressure on himself to try to get a 4.0 because if you do you are eligible for free tuition for the next semester, which is not a small thing as we took out a $70K school loan for this year for his school. Prestige comes at a price.
I know school is important, and I know there is finally a light at the end of the tunnel of school for him, and once he is done he will have one of the most lucrative degrees in psychiatric medicine (because everyone in the medical and psychiatric fields I have told about it said he was going to find a high paying job easy, even during the recession). But goddamit, I have been at my breaking point for most of a year. I need some sort of happiness or joy or fun or something that is mine that I want to do, and I need it before he graduates in 2015. I would never harm myself, but goddamn if I just do not give a fuck if my chronic health problems get serious because hey, if I died, then this suffering would be over. I do not want to have that thought be comforting anymore. And a key piece of that is to have a marriage that actually works for me in some fucking way, shape or form. I am trying to overlook all the housework he is no longer helping with because he has school. And I am trying to be accommodating if his sleep schedule doesn’t totally sync with mine because he binge sleeps on the weekend to make up for the nights he stays up late due to schoolwork and/or anxiety. But I don’t want to get to the end of grad school and ask for a divorce. And that is what I want to do right now. Someone give me some sort of people drinking and being happy or puppy gif bomb now, please. Thank you.